Horoscopes
Horrorscopes: October 28 – November 3
October 28, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 Aries! The Karens of fall. You have just awakened in time for spooky season and are entering your natural state. Be aware not everyone is like you! They won’t care when you are possessed and order every fall-flavoured drink off the menu at your local café. But we will get testy when you inevitably complain that the drink doesn’t have enough pumpkin, cinnamon, or syrup. So you might be in your natural habitat, but fall will bring the evil out of the rest of us. Taurus April 20–May 20 I see you! I know you, and…
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Horoscopes October 21–27
October 22, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 It’s not easy to find a matching top and bottom of a swimsuit when you wake up 10 minutes before you have to leave. Summertime is when you have daily outings and no time to reorganize…
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Horoscopes October 14 – 20
October 15, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 The second the clock strikes 12 on September 1, you never miss a beat to run to your local coffee shop for a pumpkin spice latte. Maybe it’s an obsession, but who cares? The stars can…
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Horoscopes October 7 – 13
October 7, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 Breaking news: Aries, Queen Bee of the New York Socialites, is stepping down after her scandalous angry outburst at her friend because “she chews too loud.” I wonder who’s next in line to the throne? Taurus…
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Horoscopes: September 9–15
September 9, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 Honey, congrats on hitting 1 million views on a TikTok lipsyncing about how “demure and mindful” you are for wearing an Aritzia pantsuit to get coffee. With your newfound clout, it’s written in the stars that…
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Horoscopes July 22–28
July 23, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 This summer, please take a course on internet safety and the effects of AI. I know you want to become more adventurous and outdoorsy, but asking ChatGPT for hiking directions might not be wise. Choose a…
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Horoscopes July 8–14
July 8, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 If you’re an Aries man, yikes. You’re already prone to Chronic Mansplaining, which can be reputation-threatening if not caught early. To avoid a cosmic pummeling, be humbled publicly this week. If you’re an Aries non-man, this…
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Horoscopes July 1–7
July 2, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 Isekai this, isekai that. Everything you own is isekai because you deeply relate to boring protagonists with no personality, and use manga for wish fulfilment. I promise if you were thrown into another world, you would…
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Horoscopes June 24 – 30
June 24, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 You totally fell for the Sonny Angel epidemic. You couldn’t resist the cuteness and just bought one, telling yourself it’ll be good for the economy. Soon, you thought it wouldn’t hurt to give it a friend.…
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Horoscopes June 17 – June 23
June 17, 2024Aries March 21–April 19 Anything but a G-string As an Aries, you’re fun, energetic, and the life of the party. At Pride, you’ll be jumping up and down, dancing, and because of this, we need to ensure the goods are…
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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
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For promotional inquiries: [email protected]
Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.
For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]