NFL Blitz with Jason Romisher: Week 6

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October 13, 2016

15384813342_66f185e657_k — Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers are 1–4 on the season, and it doesn’t look like it’s going to get any better.

Last Week 6–8

Season 40–37

Back to mediocrity last week with a 6–8 clip. Last week the Falcons went into Denver in our Game of the Week and declared to the league that they are contenders, with a big win against the Broncos. The Bills looked good on the road in Los Angeles, and Tom Brady dazzled in his debut against the hapless Browns. In other notable action, the Eagles suffered their first loss of the season, and the Vikings continued to go berserk on defence as the only unbeaten team left in the NFL. Have fun this week, because I have a sense there will be some major upsets and real nail-biters.

Byes: Minnesota, Tampa Bay

Denver (4–1) at San Diego (1–4), Thursday, 5:25 p.m.

Yes, the Denver defence is elite, but the Chargers have lost all four of their games by the slimmest of margins and have the firepower to move the ball against a divisional opponent they know very well.

Prediction: Chargers 27 Broncos 19

Jacksonville (1–3) at Chicago (1–4), Sunday 10 a.m.

Da Bears 76 Jaguars 3. I hope you have seen the SNL sketch, “Super Fans.” In the real world, Brian Hoyer has looked good for the Bears in relief of Jay Cutler, but he will be facing a Jaguars team which is rested off a bye week and improving on defence. The Bears manage to force at least two turnovers off Blake Bortles’ miscues to win a shootout.

Prediction: Bears 33 Jaguars 30

Cleveland (0–5) at Tennessee (2–3), Sunday 10 a.m.

Tennessee got the ground game going in a big way last week in a road win at Miami. Look for that to continue against a Browns team with spirit but too many holes on both sides of the ball to win this week.

Prediction: Titans 34 Browns 21

Philadelphia (3–1) at Washington (3–2), Sunday 10 a.m.

The NFC East looks to be the most competitive division in the NFL this year. A big key to this matchup is that Eagles’ left tackle Lane Johnson just lost his appeal and will begin serving a 10-game suspension. Rookie Carson Wentz will thus be vulnerable against a Washington defence that yielded only 10 points last week. This divisional matchup will be a tightly contested affair that will be won on a big play by former Eagle DeSean Jackson.

Prediction: Washington 23 Eagles 21

Pittsburgh (4–1) at Miami (1–4), Sunday 10 a.m.

Blowout alert. Pittsburgh is really, really good and found yet another weapon in Sammie Coates, who had 139 yards receiving and two touchdowns last week. The Fins got gouged last week on the ground, so look for a huge game from Le’Veon Bell.

Prediction: Steelers 41 Dolphins 16

Los Angeles (3–2) at Detroit (2–3), Sunday 10 a.m.

Long trip for the Rams to take on a Lions team that had a big home win last week against the Eagles. Stafford and company make enough plays against a stout Rams defence for the W.

Prediction: Lions 24 Rams 15

Baltimore (3–2) at New York Giants (2–3), Sunday 10 a.m.

Firing offensive coordinator and former Montreal Alouettes head coach Marc Trestman will not change the fact that the Ravens are devoid of big-time playmakers on offence. The Giants’ offence is loaded with them, which will be the difference in this one.

Prediction: Giants 27 Ravens 20

San Francisco (1–4) at Buffalo (3–2), Sunday 10 a.m.

The Bills are red hot with three straight victories after a big road win at the Rams. The Niners are reeling at 1–4, and have decided to start the politically outspoken Colin Kaepernick for the first time in a calendar year. Kaepernick was 2–6 as a starter last year before being benched, but remember that he came within one throw of being a Super Bowl Champion in the 2012 season. When I heard that Chip Kelly would be coaching the 49ers, I thought that Kaepernick would be the perfect dual-threat quarterback for his system. Kaepernick shines in his debut in a big-time upset in Buffalo, which will be all over the highlight shows.

Prediction: 49ers 33 Bills 28

UPSET SPECIAL

Cincinnati (2–3) at New England (4–1), Sunday 10 a.m.

The Patriots look very good this year and now have their star quarterback at the helm. The Bengals are a traditionally undisciplined football team, loaded with talent that was completely dominated last week in Dallas. Tom Brady was not tested last week in Cleveland but now will face a defence fighting for their season. The Bengals go on the road and shock the world.

Prediction: Bengals 19 New England 18

Carolina (1–4) at New Orleans (1–3), Sunday 10 a.m.

The Panthers are coming off an awful loss to Tampa Bay, but should get starting quarterback Cam Newton back. The Saints are coming off a bye week which followed their emotional victory in San Diego. This game will be fun with lots of touchdowns, turnovers, and highlights. Brees outplays Newton in a barn burner.

Prediction: New Orleans 38 Carolina 35

Kansas City (2–2) at Oakland (4–1), Sunday 1:05 p.m.

There is one axiom in football that must always be followed: never bet against coach Andy Reid after a bye week. This should be a fun game between these two bitter rivals.

Prediction: Chiefs 34 Raiders 31

GAME OF THE WEEK

Dallas (4–1) at Green Bay (3–1), Sunday 1:25 p.m.

This game edges the Falcons vs. Seahawks game because of how storied these two franchises are. If you are looking for a good Sunday afternoon drinking game, do a shot every time the broadcast shows footage of past matchups between these teams. In addition, when the ice bowl footage of Bart Starr’s game winning touchdown is aired, everyone has to shotgun a beer. In terms of the game, the Packers still have not clicked on all cylinders offensively this year, whereas the Cowboys have played like a complete football team. Prescott wins his first game at Lambeau Field and forces the Cowboys to leave the rookie in the lineup when Tony Romo returns from injury.

Prediction: Cowboys 24 Packers 20

Atlanta (4–1) at Seattle (3–1), Sunday 1:25 p.m.

Both of these teams have staked an early claim to contender status in the NFC. Seattle has a huge advantage in this matchup because the team is playing at home, coming off a bye, and Atlanta is playing on the road for the second straight week. Russell Wilson to Jimmy Graham becomes a force to be reckoned with this week.

Prediction: Seahawks 34 Falcons 24

Indianapolis (2–3) at Houston (3–2), Sunday 5:30 p.m.

The NFL regularly schedules its Sunday night game to be a premier prime time matchup of two elite teams, similar to the main event in wrestling. Both of these teams play in a putrid division and have no chance whatsoever of winning the Super Bowl. Expect a poorly played football game between two subpar, mediocre teams.

Prediction: Texans 22 Colts 17

New York Jets (1–4) at Arizona (2–3), Monday 5:30 p.m.

This game offers a very interesting subplot in that Jets coach Todd Bowles is returning to the desert for the first time to take on his former team where he served as defensive coordinator. You better bet his players will be highly motivated to win this game; not only to save their season, but for their coach. The Cardinals should have starting quarterback Carson Palmer back from injury and will be looking to get to .500 after a rocky start to the season. I have a feeling that Jets’ quarterback Ryan Fitzpatrick gets pulled after another poor outing and is succeeded by backup Geno Smith, who fares even worse in a big Cardinals win. Third stringer Bryce Petty, who looked very good in the preseason, takes over in New York going forward.

Prediction: Cardinals 34 Jets 13

Defence shines, but Clan loses 33–7

By

EIC

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October 12, 2016

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Simon Fraser University - Central Washington University GNAC NCAA football — Jordan Herdman (#57) broke the GNAC record for most total tackles with 393 over the course of his career .

It was a case of two different games for SFU’s offence and defence.

On one hand, you have the defence. It was probably one of the best performances the SFU football team played on the defensive side of the ball. Though the Western Oregon Wolves did start to find some passing lanes in the third quarter, the defence was just destructive to Western Oregon’s ground game, putting up eight sacks and limiting the Wolves to 13 points scored before halftime.

Considering that in four of the five games previous, SFU gave up a touchdown on the opposing team’s very first drive — and even on the one game they didn’t, gave up a field goal — the fact that the defence held them scoreless on the first drive was an accomplishment. (Though that was thanks to a missed 25-yard field goal by the Western Oregon kicker.)

The defence was something to watch. They were fast, they were mean — they looked like a team you wouldn’t want to play against.

“I thought that for the first half, we played much more disciplined football, especially from a defensive perspective,” said head coach Kelly Bates. “They just played very tough, aggressive football, they were in the right place to make plays. The difference between past weeks and this week, was even when we would get beat on a play, we were able to recover and would make a tackle, and the guys would still come up with stops.”

But with offence, it was a completely different story. Though in the first 15:46 of the game SFU had drives that gained 47 and 59 yards, for the rest of the game they were just unable to accomplish much of anything.

Quarterback Miles Richardson was sacked five times and threw an interception, but it was hardly his fault. There was no time for him to make decisions. It seemed as if on nearly every play, there was a Western Oregon player with a direct path to either sack Richardson or tackle whoever he handed the ball to. There was really no option but to pass the ball as soon as he got it.

A telling stat is that despite 171 passing yards, there were only 163 yards of total offence — rushing yards were in the negative.

“The difference between past weeks and this week, was even when we would get beat on a play, we were able to recover.”

“Offensively, we did have some success moving the ball early, however, we were unable to continue to play at the level we needed to to build on what we were doing, and as a result, our offence was really stifled all day long,” explained Bates. “It was a combination of poor pass protection, but also looking at the rush as opposed to keeping our eyes down the field and standing in there to deliver a ball.

“When we’re looking at the rush too early, that can have a negative effect and it’s understandable when we’re not blocking as well as we need to, so it’s a cycle that’s tough to correct.”

The lone chance for points from offence came at the end of that 59-yard drive 46 seconds into the second quarter. SFU had a chance for a 39-yard field goal, and had it been successful, SFU would have been down only 7–3. But as was the theme for offence, there was little protection, and the field goal was blocked.

The only other really effective drive for the offence started with 1:05 left in the game. It was too little, too late, and despite making 49 yards, didn’t have enough time to convert.

The only score in the game actually came from the defence. Sophomore linebacker Gabe Lopes intercepted a Wolves pass with about 4:30 left in the third quarter and ran it in 51 yards for a touchdown.

Now down 19–7 — a 12-point deficit — it looked like SFU could possibly use the momentum and stage a comeback. Instead, Western Oregon scored another touchdown in the drive after and took control of the game, winning by 33–7.

For one drive midway through the third, back-up quarterback Mihai Lapuste subbed in, with the Western Oregon commentators on the livestream speculating an ankle injury for Richardson. However, Richardson returned the next drive and played the rest of the game.

On the defensive side, it was a good night for SFU’s linebackers.

With nine total tackles (four solo, five assisted) in the game, senior linebacker Jordan Herdman broke the record for career total tackles — that means both solo and assisted tackles — with a total of 393, beating Buddy Wood’s 385 set in 2009.

However, Jordan didn’t even lead the defence this game — in tackles at least. Sophomore Nathan Kyeame — who, though listed as a running back, has played most of this season on defence — led with 11 total, eight of them solo. Jordan’s brother Justin Herdman was credited with 10 (five solo, five assisted).

Jordan Herdman and Brad Lyons both led the team in sacks, credited with two each.

“Our entire linebacking corp — Trevor Kemp, Jordan and Justin Herdman, and Gabe Lopes — had pretty good games, and it was obviously evident in Gabe’s pick-six, and the Herdmans being all over the field,” said Bates. “Those guys, they did what they were coached to do today. They didn’t try to do more, they didn’t try to do less, and that’s what we’re trying to get our kids to do.”

This was probably SFU’s most promising game so far. Though not SFU’s most potent game offensively — that was a 56–24 loss to Humboldt that saw Jalen Jana run 262 yards — it was the first game that SFU did most of its best work in the first half, when the game is competitive.

For much of the game, SFU was competitive. The bright spots didn’t come when the other team was already up 30-plus points, already packed in, and ready to go home with the win.

“I thought this week’s preparation throughout the week was better, we progressed in that respect, and I thought that showed early on,” said Bates. “But we still don’t have the ability to play an entire 60 minutes and we’ll continue to strive to do that.”

Though the competitive part of the game may not have lasted 60 minutes, it was a big step forward that it came in the first 30 minutes — and not the last 30.

NEXT GAME: Now SFU has a bye week before going to play the Azusa Pacific Cougars at home on October 22.

“We’re going to have to change some things up to help our kids have more success,” said Bates. “Well, there was probably a progression here, especially on the defensive side of the ball. We’re going to do what we do every week — we’ll go back, we’ll watch the film, we’ll study it, and see what we can correct to put our kids in a better position to have success.”

SFU has has already matched up against Azusa on the road on September 24 in a 64–14 score. It actually provided SFU’s only lead thus far, as SFU scored a touchdown on the initial drive to go up 7–0. That lead only lasted 5:41, until an Azusa touchdown and field goal made it 10–7. By halftime, Azusa was up by 34 points.

Azusa currently leads the Great Northwest Athletic Conference (GNAC) with a 4–0 conference record, and is 5–1 overall. The team’s only loss this season came October 8 on the road against the Colorado School of Mines, which plays in the Rocky Mountain Athletic Conference. Azusa fell 27–23.

The Cougars are the best defensive team in the GNAC, allowing on average only 16.2 points per game. The team’s especially effective against the running game, allowing on average 93 yards per game. For context, SFU is at the bottom of the GNAC for defence, allowing 53.8 points per game.

Azusa quarterback Andrew Elffers is the most efficient passer in the GNAC, completing 69 of 105 attempts (65.7 percent). However, he is also credited with the second-least amount of passing yards out of starting GNAC quarterbacks, with 963.

The SFU defence will need another performance like this week, while the offence will have to figure out some way to put up points on the board, and will probably need to rely on the passing game to do so.

Kickoff is at 1 p.m. at Swangard Stadium.

Don’t put yourself on a pedestal because you’re not religious

By

Peak Web

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October 11, 2016

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It’s a nice Saturday morning: the weather’s good, you’re up to date with your coursework, and the bills are paid. Yet, there’s something nagging at the back of your mind.

A cup of coffee in hand, you sit by your laptop and open your exhibitionist social media platform of choice. That nagging feeling remains, getting stronger by the minute. You come across a post with someone expressing their beliefs on their account, and it clicks.

You haven’t mocked or insulted somebody’s religious views in over a month — a month! That’s, like, 30 or 31 days without you doing your self-imposed duty of informing people that what they believe is wrong and backward.

“This is an outrage,” you say to yourself as you type up a 300-word post (or 50-point tweet thread, because dedication), exercising your right to free speech to ridicule the way someone leads their life. Your friends and family praise you for how enlightened you are: you can rest back now, knowing that your job is done.

If you relate to this, I feel that you might have some personal issues that go past simply disagreeing with alternate beliefs, and you might want to work those out.

I try to avoid engaging in religious debates very often, especially with new people, mostly because they usually go nowhere. Typically, the point isn’t to reach some sort of answer or profound conclusion, but to prove to the other party that your view is the right one.

However, as a student, it’s become a regular occurrence to see people “woke” after some liberal arts lecture and berate others for following religion, without any backlash. This isn’t limited to university, though, and I just wonder when it became cool to hate on religion.

Usually, the complaints directed at religious people are that they aren’t open-minded (regarding sexual orientation, for example) or that their beliefs are responsible for wars and humanity’s most senseless acts. This disregards the existence of narrow-minded atheists, and similarly heinous acts committed in the absence of religious views.

Furthermore, these complaints repeatedly forget to factor in human agency in these acts. If all religious people acted the way these stereotypes imply, we’d mostly likely all be dead or in constant war.

This isn’t to justify hateful expressions of one’s belief, or the existence of extremists. On the contrary, I’m condemning them. But generalizing hatred or lack of open-mindedness as qualities of a large group of people based on their religion is very problematic. Vile atheists exist in the same way vile religious people do.

However, some non-religious people put themselves on the moral high ground and often don’t realize they exist within the same narrow-minded rhetoric they’re supposedly fighting against. Do you park your “open-mindedness” just outside at the boundary of religion?

Many non-religious people tend to view religious people as judgemental; while that may be true in some instances, non-religious people can be just as judgemental, and very often are, with little reprimand. Because of the negative associations they’ve formed with religion, some already have predisposed notions of religious people, and consider their disrespectful comments about their beliefs justified because of those notions.

I’ve seen people urging religious people to commit suicide even after expressing their religious views peacefully, essentially bullying religious people into keeping their beliefs quiet. But free speech comes with a certain level of responsibility. If you can’t express your opinion or offer criticism in a respectful way, you’re part of the problem.

Your outlook on life is influenced by your identity as a non-religious person; similarly, a person’s religious beliefs affect how they see the world. When you insult or mock someone’s belief, you insult who they are. The churlish individuals on both “sides” need to step off their respective pedestals, because they’re blocking the view for everyone.

SFU loses in straight sets against Central Washington

By

EIC

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October 11, 2016

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It was the same 3–0 score as the previous night. However, this time SFU was on the other side of the sweep. After defeating Northwest Nazarene in straight sets, SFU lost to Central Washington in straight sets Saturday night on the team’s annual Pink Day.

“Central outplayed us,” said head coach Gina Schmidt after the game. “They looked like they wanted it more. [After] playing back-to-back nights, it looked like we were a step behind in certain things.”

This game was a crucial one for the Clan. With Central Washington right below them with a 5–2 record, a loss would see them move up into a tie for second with SFU. The first set went to Central Washington 25–19. The Wildcats went on six- and five-point runs during it to come out on top.

SFU came out and played well early on in the second set, but Central Washington slowly took control and won it 25–21, the closest one of the night. The third and final set was all Central Washington. SFU briefly had a one-point lead before the visitors went on a seven-point run to take it 25–14, and with it, the game.

“We just weren’t on,” said Alison McKay after the game, who finished with 17 digs. “Things weren’t just going our way. A few lucky breaks by them got us down that it just felt like we couldn’t pick back up into it. They had a few runs that we couldn’t come back from. It was a tough night.”

It certainly was a tale of two different games for SFU, but in some ways they were eerily similar. The Clan outscored Northwest Nazarene by 21 over the course of Friday’s game, and SFU only trailed by two points halfway through the second set. In Saturday’s game, SFU was ironically enough also outscored by 21 points over the night, and the team’s biggest lead was by two points — 6–4 — early in the second set, and 2–0 at the start of the game. SFU is now 2–2 on back-to-back conference games this year, with one more set coming up on October 28 and 29.

“Our level of execution” said Head Coach Gina Schmidt on the difference between Friday night’s game and Saturday night’s game. “Central is a good team, they were able to attack both pins and we didn’t have an answer for that.”

A win could have moved SFU up to 7–1 in Great Northwest Athletic Conference (GNAC) play this season, and a secure hold on second place in the conference. However, with a 6–2 record in conference play, the Clan is now in a three-way tie alongside Central Washington and Western Washington. On the bright side, SFU’s next two opponents are Seattle Pacific and Saint Martin’s, who currently sit seventh and ninth in the GNAC, respectively. Wins against both teams would certainly help SFU gain back some momentum before a huge clash with Alaska Anchorage on October 20.

Montreal’s proposed pit bull ban is an unjust solution

By

EIC

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October 11, 2016

18

If you’re a dog lover or a pit bull in Montreal, you might be out of luck. In response to Montreal resident Christiane Vadnais’ death after a dog mauled her, the city recently started trying to establish a law which would ban the entire pit bull breed — a proposal that has many owners in despair.

Any pit bull currently residing in a shelter would be euthanized, but the law is so vague on which canines qualify. Even dogs who only look like pit bulls — such as having “large heads” — can be a part of the ban. All humans currently owning such dogs as pets would be required to gain permits. Essentially, Montreal is Nazi Germany for pit bulls: you just have to look a certain way to be in danger.

This breedist thinking is simply nonsensical. The only pit bulls I’ve ever met have been sweet dogs with boundless love to give.

That being said, I know that vicious pit bulls exist — just like vicious dogs of any breed do. But pit bulls are not inherently bad, just like collies or labs aren’t. It’s the owners of these creatures who shape their personalities and behaviour.

Any animal that is abused or otherwise raised improperly is likely to behave aggressively, and we already know that large dogs can pose risks to others. Why are we acting surprised? Dogs that are kept on chains for two-thirds of their lives, hit, or neglected are bound to develop aggressions, and we should acknowledge this with empathy instead of fear.

Instead of banning an entire breed, it would be much more effective to create stricter standards and rules for people raising dogs, as well as to keep closer tabs on animal abusers, puppy mills, and dogfighting.

If we put more effort into making the tools and education necessary to raise an animal available, and cracked down on people who overstep the bounds of responsible dog ownership, we would see much more success in reducing dog-related injuries than we would by simply outlawing the breeds that seem more dangerous on the surface.

When approached with love, the pit bull breed is not inherently scary, mean, or dangerous. The ban in Montreal was merely a fear-based reaction to the tragic death of a woman via dog attack. This dog may have been a pit bull, but the same thing could have happened with any breed.

Animals shelters everywhere house hundreds of pit bull breeds and crosses, and Montreal is no exception. To murder each one of these creatures for something they can’t control is cruel and unusual.

Fortunately, the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and other interest groups are rallying against the new law in the interest of protecting the dogs. In fact, Quebec lobbyist groups have made some progress in eradicating the law. A judge in Quebec has temporarily suspended the breed ban, suggesting that Montreal “overstepped their bounds,” according to The Globe and Mail. It is my hope that these lobbyists will succeed, and animal lovers worldwide can rejoice.

Playboy’s making positive strides by including a hijab-wearing woman

By

EIC

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October 11, 2016

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Playboy is infamous for making waves. The most current incident that comes to mind is the magazine’s decision to remove nude photos. But now, Playboy is once again receiving attention for featuring a model wearing a hijab.

Noor Tagouri, a Muslim American journalist, will be featured in the magazine’s October issue. Tagouri is the first hijab-wearing woman to appear in Playboy, something many have been quick to express their views on, both positive and negative.

Aside from a host of Islamophobic comments, Tagouri has received criticism from her own religious community.

For instance, The Washington Post recently published a collaborative article, penned by Inas Younis, freelance writer, and Asma T. Uddin, founder and editor-in-chief of AltMuslimah, in response to the feature. They addressed the apparent contradiction of a “hijab-wearing-woman in a magazine known for [. . .] objectifying women,” and speculated that this was Playboy’s intention.

While I understand why some may feel that this is inappropriate, I think Tagouri’s appearance in Playboy is encouraging. Her feature marks another successful change that Playboy has made to the magazine, and promises a remarkable future.

For a moment, let’s focus on the magazine’s reasons for featuring Tagouri. The publication’s October issue is about “Renegades,” featuring eight women and men who “aren’t afraid to break the rules.”

Playboy has always been about this kind of commitment to nonconformity, but its approach here is different from what we’ve seen in the past. This new journalistic angle demonstrates how Playboy is working to remain a relevant and revolutionary part of print media.

While the magazine hasn’t totally abandoned sex as a theme (the October issue will also feature porn star Stoya), Tagouri’s feature proves that Playboy is capable of being diverse in its representation. Playboy’s shift in focus is, in fact, a more modern way of showcasing the rebelliousness and difference that it’s always been known for.

Playboy is no longer about what you are or are not wearing. Instead, it’s a magazine that’s attempting to showcase people who are different from those we commonly see represented in media. It’s using their unique perspectives to challenge and shape the world that their readers live in.

In other words, it’s offering us a more intimate look into what it looks like to deviate from the norms of society and media representation. It shows that “provocative” can mean things besides being naked on a centrefold.

Playboy has chosen to feature a woman based solely on her brilliance and hard work. Unlike what would occur in many other magazines, she is not being used as fetish porn or as a token of diversity, but instead is being recognized for her merit.

Playboy’s shift away from its traditional nudity has, ironically, allowed them to return to its roots. It’s once again able to be recognized as a magazine that is about challenging our society, and encouraging others to do the same.

Ultimately, I think Tagouri’s appearance in the magazine is incredibly positive, both for her and for Playboy. For Tagouri, it is an opportunity to showcase herself as a successful Muslim American, hijab-wearing woman. For Playboy, it is an opportunity to prove to us once again that it is not the clothes the magazine cares for, but the person in them.

If you ask me, I think we could all learn a thing or two from that approach.

Vaping doesn’t have to mean giving up your identity

By

EIC

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October 11, 2016

3

Vaping is getting more and more popular in Canada. People think of vaping as a way for smokers to wean themselves off of nicotine. This works well — a little too well, in fact. A troubling number of people who use vapes use them recreationally, to the point where there’s now a “vape” subculture.

As happens regularly in our world, we’ve taken something that a small group of people genuinely enjoy, blown it out of proportion, made a million memes about it, and created a subculture rife with snobbery, entitlement, and exclusivity. It happened to Penny boards, it happened with weed, and it’s now happened with vaporizers.

Advertisers evoke our natural pack mentality with scenes like “boy meets girl after sharing a Coke,” or “a man and his family play with their dog while he sports fashionable Ray-Bans.” This is where the vaping subculture comes into play.

You might go to the store and buy one after hearing of the benefits, or seeing your friends with one, or maybe just wanting to try one out as an impulse-buy. You’ll enjoy it, get excited about it, and want to share your newfound interest with friends. Some people will still blow it off as a silly and ridiculous hobby, though.

So you turn to the Internet in search of a community that supports your interests. You find it and start to feel more confident; however, the members of that community begin to saturate your views with their own. When you’re constantly surrounded by others who think and feel the same way, physically or not, you begin to fall into an echo chamber of ideals, where no one has a different opinion.

You share memes, ask questions about different kinds of vapes, start dressing and talking like each other, and soon enough you feel like your opinions are the only opinions that anyone has.

We develop pack mentality, and that assures us that it’s acceptable to vape indoors, in line at a bus stop, at parties and clubs, or around others who might be sensitive to its smell.

But this isn’t nefarious. It’s just people being inconsiderate and ignorant to the fact that the brand, object, or hobby they’ve chosen to identify with isn’t necessarily one that others appreciate — and in fact, it may be one that becomes a source of irritation.

There’s nothing wrong with vaping in itself. You aren’t a bad person for inhaling vaporized fumes — but that’s not the sole component of who you are.

This loss of identity will continue if we allow ourselves to be defined by the things we purchase. Companies and brands count on us to overindulge in products and oversaturate our senses.

But you are not the product that you’ve bought, and there is no reason to act like it. We’re individuals separate from the stereotypes associated with the objects we purchase. Let’s live like we own our possessions, not as though our possessions own us.

The Patronus you need

By

EIC

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October 11, 2016

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Someone doing the Pottermore Patronus quiz got a rat. That’s like making out with Hermione, but halfway through the lip-locking session the Polyjuice Potion wears off and it’s actually Cornelius Fudge you’re frenching. A tad bit disappointing. So for those of you who got the Fudge end of the stick, grab a quill (sold separately) and discover your true Patronus.

1) Who would you least like to go to the Yule Ball with?

A) A mandrake
B) Death Eater #7
C) Rogue Bludger (robbed of an Oscar for its resolute performance in The Chamber of Secrets)
D) Percy Weasley

2) What is the book you’re currently reading?

A) Perhaps There Could Be Post on Sundays – A philosophical dissection of the drilling industry by Vernon Dursley
B) Squibs Are People Too – A human rights piece by Argus Filch
C) Constant Vigilance – A very uninformative guide to self-defence by Alastor “Mad-Eye” Moody
D) Norris, You Saucy Minx – A Harlequin Romance by Daily Prophet #1 best-seller Argus Filch

3) Which of these would you use to spice things up in the bedroom?

A) Wingardium Leviosa
B) Gillyweed
C) The grease Snape uses for his hair
D) Crabbe & Goyle

4) You’re found most often using . . .

A) Felix Felicis, because weed’s getting pricey, know what I’m sayin’?
B) Avada Kedavra on your social life because you’ve got 48 readings to do. (Fucking Umbridges, all of them.)
C) Obliviate on yourself to forget that guy you hooked up with last night (it was Flitwick)
D) Veritaserum on your housemates to find out who used up all your milk

5) What is your favourite band?

A) The Seven Horcruxes (moody electronic indie rock)
B) Thestrals (all-female heavy metal)
C) Tonkin’ My Lupin (jazz/soul)
D) Lil’ Diggory (hip-hop/R&B)

6) What is your ideal Potter spin-off?

A) Luna Lovegood in the hard-hitting journalistic drama that exposed the Ministry’s cover-up of Crumple-Horned Snorkacks, Not So Loony After All
B) Rubeus Hagrid in the animated comedy, How to Train a Bloodthirsty Hungarian Horntail
C) Cho Chang and Colin Creevey in the tear-jerker, Why Are You Crying in All of Our Photos?
D) The origins story of Professor McGonagall, Step Up: The Gryffindor Common Room

7) What line best describes your sex life?

A) The platform at King’s Cross isn’t the only thing that’s 9 and ¾
B) Don’t worry, I’ll bring defence for my dark parts
C) TROLL IN THE DUNGEON
D) And at that moment, she realized that the Gryffindor Keeper didn’t get his name for his Quidditch abilities

Mostly A’s: The sock that freed Dobby

You’re bit of a legend. If your Patronus can save the greatest house elf from the vitamin D-deficient Malfoys, it’s going to serve you well against Dementors.

Mostly B’s: Neville’s Boggart (a.k.a. Snape in Granny Longbottom’s clothes)

Using humour to confuse a Dementor just might work. (It probably won’t.)

Mostly C’s: A signed version of Year with the Yeti by Gilderoy Lockhart

You’re beyond saving. And you deserve a useless Patronus to convey this. The only thing more pointless to have would be Lockhart himself — he’d try a Memory Charm on a Dementor, which would probably only release a swarm of Cornish Pixies.

Mostly D’s: Moaning Myrtle

Jesus Christ, you’re a miserable motherfucker, aren’t you? Myrtle’s your gal. Never has a sadder string of words been strung in the English language. But hey, at least Dementors are gonna leave you alone. They couldn’t suck the life out of you more than Whiny McGhostface.

Five pumpkin-y products you absolutely need right now

By

EIC

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October 11, 2016

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The beginning of autumn can mean only one thing: the emergence of pumpkin spice. Starbucks rolled out its pumpkin spice latte on September 1, even before we could sober up from our summer mojitos and margaritas. But don’t be basic and succumb to the over-commercialized, mainstream pumpkin spice products! Here are five pumpkin-y things that will get all the basic girls asking, “Where can I buy that?!”

Pumpkin patch socks

OK, confession time: you have something funky going on with your feet and you are uber self-conscious about it. Not to worry! These cute pumpkin socks (patterned with your choice of happy or scary jack-o’-lanterns) thrive on foot sweat. The more sweat, the more pumpkin smell you get. Soon, you’ll have people asking if you stepped in pumpkin pie!

Pumpkin-lined mugs

Why should your drink get all the fun? This mug is lined with layers and layers of pumpkin-infused chemicals. Fill your mug and let the chemicals mix with your coffee or hot water! Also available in pumpkin-lined solo cups, for all of your frat party needs.

Pumpkin spice toothpaste

Because nothing says gum disease-fighting, cavity-reducing super toothpaste like pumpkin spice toothpaste. Fight sugar with more sugar! That cinnamon toothpaste shit is nasty anyway.

Cutie pumpkin pie scented lingerie

Victoria’s Secret ain’t got nothing on this sexy new lingerie line. Slip into something that makes you feel like the badass warden of the pumpkin patch that you truly are on the inside, while smelling exactly like a freshly baked pumpkin pie from grandma’s oven. Give him that sugar and spice and everything naughty!

Pumpkin pumpkins (a.k.a. pumpkin Trump-kins)

This is the ultimate pumpkin experience for all you pumpkin enthusiasts out there! Pumpkins of today are not at the calibre of pumpkin-ness that our ancestors used to eat hundreds of years ago. These pumpkins have two times more seeds, two times more inner gunk to scoop out, two times more pumpkin potent, and five times more orange. Trump gives his seal of approval on this one, and now you know what he bases his spray tan off of!

How to be an adult

By

EIC

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October 11, 2016

0

So you’re about to enter the real world and you’re looking for some guidance. You’re not on BuzzFeed for this sage advice, so that’s a victory in itself. This is going to be addressed in the same vein as the criminally underrated film, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and this leads us nicely to tip numero uno.

Make incredibly outdated references

When in doubt, always go for a Kate Hudson rom-com. Katherine Heigl is an equally viable alternative. This will be a godsend when you’re trying to be topical at dinner parties. Of which there are approximately 213 a year when you’re an adult. The only thing in greater abundance than intellectual conversations is cheese. Why is there always so much fucking cheese?

Pay your bills when you feel like it

A blasé attitude is highly recommended here. Better yet, wait until the eviction notice arrives before making rent. It’ll give you a rush of excitement that your soul-crushing job and cynical partner can’t. Hello darkness, my old friend.

Believe that your youthful fitness will never fade

You took a biology class in the eighth grade, so you’ve got a pretty airtight knowledge of the human body. You played (insert sport here — hockey, netball, competitive darts) in high school so you’re going to be a prime specimen until the grave. Except you’ll never die because you’re just that healthy.

Rely on John Oliver as your only source of news

This one’s just stating the obvious.

Keep playing the Tinder game

Settle down with a family that loves you and gives you a sense of achievement not quantifiable in words? Thanks, but no thanks. Instead, insist on alternating between multiple dating apps simultaneously — we’re talking four, minimum. Why relish the thought of leaving your imprint on the world with a child when you can instead spend your adult life wondering if that 22-year-old political science major from Ohio is going to look favourably on your “super like”? (You’re 35 in this scenario, and you also still listen to Nickelback. Bathe in that sadness for a second.)

Learn what a mortgage is

It’s kind of like wearing sandals and trying to be sexually active: pretty fucking pointless.

Pimp your wardrobe

Gone are the days of experimenting; no more burgundy blazer and felt trousers. Pick a look and aggressively adhere to it. Buy five shirts in slightly different shades of blue — to the point where people are convinced that you only have one shirt that you wear every day. How else are they going to remember who you are?

And, finally, invest in some chalk.

Take said chalk and every night before bed, inscribe a line on your bedroom wall. That’s another day done of being an adult. At least in prison you’re working out.

Now go, put on your big (gender neutral) pants, and embrace the sweet, sweet nectar of adulthood.