Desperate student attempts blood ritual to garner passing grade

As if fears of residence closure and hiking tuition costs on campus weren’t bad enough, residences on Burnaby campus are now facing a scare...

Five movie roles Daniel Radcliffe will take to make you forget he was Harry Potter

Let’s face it: being associated with a single role isn’t easy, especially if you are a young actor in Hollywood. For Daniel Radcliffe, it...

Inevitable gimmicks SFU admin will use to distract you from real campus issues

Dr. Petter Magic Mould Eraser™ The Dr. Petter Magic Mould Eraser™ is tough on university-eating fungus. This product is also guaranteed to keep nosy health and...

Five questions every Christian student has heard

Hi, I'm Bernice, and I am a Christian. I go to church on Sundays, read the Bible, and believe that a guy named Jesus...

If SFU were like an RPG . . .

1) Research assignments and expeditions would be all the more adventurous to take part in! 2) Costly building renovations could be completed simply by getting...

A gentlemen’s guide on what to do when caught masturbating

Let’s face it: there’s nothing more natural than masturbation. Jerking it, beating the meat, choking the chicken — fellas, the reason we have so...

Four things every great hentai needs

By: Anonymous, SFU Student 1. A generic protagonist  Maybe he’ll have coloured hair if he’s important, but then people won’t “relate” to him. You’ll want to make...