By: Maya Barillas Mohan, Staff Writer
When raising a child, you must follow three golden abstinences. A satisfying life is often defined through experiences gained and pursued, but boundaries are evergreen. Without limiting certain practices, chaos ensues.
- Don’t give them an iPad
- Don’t allow them to talk back
- DON’T LET THEM ANYWHERE NEAR ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS
They’re adorable, fuzzy, vivacious little creatures. But they are GROSSLY INACCURATE PORTRAYALS OF RODENTS and possess unnaturally high and squeaky voices. While the appeal of Alvin is gravitational, despite his tiny size, his pathetic, anthropomorphized body must be barred from any and all screens in your home. If you allow your child to engage with Alvin and the Chipmunks in any capacity, you open your life to several dangers. For one, your child may be disappointed that the mice your landlord won’t evict can’t sing or play guitar. They might even attempt to catch one and domesticate it to bring out its hidden talents. Another issue that arises is they may request a CD version (or Bandcamp) of the Alvin and the Chipmunks soundtrack. You will be forced to relive your glory days of youth at the club with covers massacred by a CGI rodent’s abrasive croon.
The bizarre rodent brothers are managed by their human father. This freak display rejects all genetic logic and is never explained. Imagine trying to explain the birds and the . . . chipmunks to your kid, who already looks nothing like you post-rhinoplasty. If these little scrappy critters are elevated to the dignity of a human child, there is no limit to what your child will believe is possible. You’re going to feel massively intolerant, trying to explain that families have to be composed of people.
Alvin and his chipmunk brothers are grossly over-decorated, having EIGHT Grammy nominations. This represents the death of art and respect for music as a legitimate enterprise. Alvin and the Chipmunks’ music is pitched up, weakly inspired by the sound of an elementary school choir, without any of the soul behind music production. Their prolific catalogue is evidence that they are not making music for any reason besides the mass market. In Chipwrecked, the chipmunks get stranded on a deserted island en route to a music awards show. You will pray they remain there at the hand of their own hubris, but these squeaky, wretched creatures are infallible.
If you and your child follow this expansive chipmunk franchise, you are participating in the deterioration of art. Alvin doesn’t want to promote friendship or the virtue of learning an instrument — he wants to slap around his gentler and smarter brothers for cheap laughs on the TV. He wants to sell CDs and stuffed animals filled with microplastics. The gullible mom in you might even be persuaded to purchase tiny outfits to dress up these lifeless chipmunk dolls, accessories shrunken leagues beyond use.
Beyond this, an unrealistic expectation is created about the lifespans of what are essentially glorified pets. The personification of these chipmunks has these three demons stuck at the same age throughout the show, despite a chipmunk only living until three years of age! True parents must order for the public execution of Alvin, Simon, and Theodore!
Alvin and the Chipmunks does not promote good values, let alone good art. While chipmunks are low on the food chain, they will become a parasite in your home. Ban it.
