By: Mark Carney, Prime Minister of Canada
OTTAWA — My fellow Canadians. It ‘tis I, Big Daddy Mark Carney, here.
India is run like a well-cooked roti by Narendra Modi, who is apparently a fascist. But there is obviously some nuance. He’s actually not that bad of a guy — he didn’t explicitly threaten Canadian sovereignty. That’s why I invited him to the G7 Summit in Alberta a few weeks ago. I thought, why not hear him out and maybe even grab a beer or two, then wrap up the summit by watching the Oilers get destroyed by the Florida Panthers? It was a solid plan.
Plus, I can’t stand being in a room with Trump without a buddy or two; the guy is a complete bigot. I can excuse Indian fascism, but I DRAW THE LINE AT AMERICAN FASCISM.
It seems like some aren’t happy about this. I don’t understand what I did wrong. Sure, Modi has a history of oppressing minority groups in India and perpetrating Hindu nationalist ideologies, which ultimately leads to supremacy based on religion — but he’s not doing that to Canada. If I may, I suggest we focus on TRUMP. He’s the real threat to our democracy.
We are currently moving away from relying so heavily on America as a trading partner. We can no longer rely on the dictator down south, we have to diversify and negotiate with other dictators from the global south. Remember, my fellow Canadians — ELBOWS UP.
Elbows up and mouths shut! We cannot afford to divide ourselves! We’re CANADA STRONG! We must agree with what I say. They call me Big Daddy for a reason.
I actually learned a lot from Modi, which I expected. I’m working on trade agreements with India right now, but also diversifying my leadership skills. I’m obviously somewhat opposed to fascism, but it can’t be all that bad. If anything, it makes the economy more efficient! Sometimes we need to put people in their place, especially when they don’t listen to Big Daddy — I mean, ahem, the prime minister. I — I mean we need to start enacting bills that keep tabs on people’s personal information, in case they do something I don’t like — I mean something that threatens Canadian sovereignty.
Modi is liked by a lot and hated by others. Yes, the invite may have been a huge “fuck you” to the Sikh community, since Modi’s “regime has been directly implicated in the assassination of Canadian Sikh leader Hardeep Singh Nijjar.” However, we must remember, there is no evidence showing Modi was the one who killed him assasination, the man can’t even speak in front of a crowd when his teleprompter malfunctions, and people expect him to plan out an attack like that?
The guy is just an old conservative grandpa who may just need a hug. He’s been labelled a dictator . . . so what? Maybe I can change him. Maybe we came to a middle ground at the G7.
That’s really what it’s all about. Coming to the middle, uniting. One side wants no fascism the other side wants a lot, so what do we do? We compromise like good pragmatists. Watered down fascism for the win!
That is what keeps our country great. Canada welcomes everyone (including mass murderers) — I think I’ll invite Putin to our next summit.
