By: Zainab Salam, Part-time barista
Eurovision has presented the world with its fair share of entertaining spectacle. This year, the diversion presents a brewing controversy of the caffeinated kind. Estonian artist Tommy Cash’s performance of Estonia’s entry song, “Espresso Macchiato,” has destabilized an international relationship stronger than ten espresso shots taken after an all-nighter. Cash’s provocative lyrics have outraged Italians, with Italian foreign minister Antonio Tajani suggesting the government of Italy could impose 100% tariffs on Estonia in retaliation to what he deems “a racist depiction of Italians.”
The song in question? A blend of made-up Italian and enough espresso references to cause acid reflux.
The following is an interview I conducted with minister Tajani to discuss his view of everything that transpired in Eurovision.
Q: Minister Tajani, thank you for joining me today! How are you doing?
A: Yes, yes, yes, hello. Thank you for being a real journalist in such a trying time. Journalists like you are the backbone of civilized society. Did you know that the first-ever newspaper was an Italian invention? Yes, that’s right. Also, the typewriter, the moon, Abraham Lincoln, and God were all invented by Italians. We are the most important people on the planet. Have you done a DNA ancestry test? Maybe you’re Italian?
Q: No, I haven’t taken a DNA test, but now I’m scared it’ll come back 100% Estonian. Thoughts?
A: Dio mio! Don’t say such things, especially not out loud! You’ll give my nonna heart palpitations from beyond the grave. But, God forbid, if that’s true, don’t worry! We have a nationality naturalization program: two weeks in Tuscany, with mandatory denunciation of all that is not Italian, with the exception of all that we have modified and call ours now. You’ll be one of us by the end of the program.
Q: Thank you . . . I guess. Let’s get back to the interview, please. The Italian government has suggested they may be interested in a 100% tariff on Estonia. Some may think of that as an overreaction to Tommy Cash’s song. Do you have any comments regarding that accusation?
A: Overreaction? Those people are lucky we didn’t call for a full diplomatic relations severance. Estonia has declared war on our cultural values. On our crema. On our nonnas. This is not just about a song. It’s about our shared identity as Italians. If we don’t respond harshly to this vile transgression, what would we be? The Swiss? Hogwash!
Q: But isn’t the song kinda . . . catchy?
A: Catchy? The Black Plague was catchy, too! That doesn’t mean we should celebrate it at an international event. The man raps about marked coffee like it’s a religious experience. And the lyrics, don’t even get me started on the lyrics! If my grandmother had wheels, she would’ve been a bike. If Dante heard this song, he’d rewrite Inferno to add a circle for linguistic crimes. The grammar’s not even correct!! There’s a reason why the Eurovision jury didn’t give it much attention — it sucked ass!
Q: In a press release earlier this morning, you stated that you are personally offended by the line, “I’m sweating like a mafioso.” Why is that?
A: Simple, really, he is depicting Italians in a disgraceful manner. You think we all walk around sweating in pinstripe suits, waving pasta, and collecting protection money? That’s only some of us! This is the kind of stereotype that sets us back decades. What’s next? He’s going to rap about Michael Corleone being from Bologna?
Editor’s note: Since this interview, minister Tajani has demanded UNESCO declare espresso a protected cultural heritage. Eurovision have responded by sharing the song on their official website, with a link which takes the viewer to an alternative music video of “Espresso Macchiato” by Tommy Cash.
