By: Zobia Khalid, SFU Student

Sorry for the jump scare. But, $8 for half of a glorified frozen pizza is a problem. Tim Hortons’ slogan is “Always Fresh,” but we all know it’s Never Fresh. Their drinks are from concentrate and they reheat all their food. The coffee is literally flavoured milk, and we know calling it cold brew doesn’t change anything. And just when things couldn’t get worse — Timbits are a lost cause, too. And at the peak of all this chaos, there’s a new release: flatbread pizza.

Honestly, they should have just called it flatbread and stopped at that. It somehow looks worse than street pizza left overnight on the side of a public swimming pool. The pizza is dry, and the toppings aren’t properly placed. I have a lot of empathy for pizza makers since I play Good Pizza, Great Pizza. I can’t blame the workers for what this corporation forces them to do, but this is a whole new level. I had 14 customers lined up in that game and was still able to make better pizza than Tim Hortons on its best day. And honestly, that’s impressive for Tim Hortons. Pizza and coffee are probably the hardest things to mess up, but somehow Tim Hortons is able to do it.

Even the box looks low effort. In fact, Tim Hortons shapeshifts so much I forgot what it was originally for — coffee and donuts. I feel like one day we’re going to be looking for donuts and instead just find apples because Tim Hortons’ brand identity is now a grocery store.

I just cannot fathom that somebody would spend $8 to publicly humiliate themselves like that. It’s really concerning to see Tim Hortons trying to be something they’re not. So much self-hate I’m sensing here. And honestly, I’m so tired. Just bring back proper coffee, proper Timbits, and cheese melts.