By: C Icart, Humour Editor

A local Zoomer (they did not want to be referred to as such, but this is my article and I do what I want) accidentally walked into a middle school while they were looking for affordable housing and climate crisis solutions. This caused them to realize that even though they don’t include the pandemic years (yeah, all four of them) in their age, Gen Alpha does. 

“Oh my God, bestie, the oldest Gen Alphas are turning 14 this year and I suppose this means they can talk now!” exclaimed Zoomer in an interview with The Peak (no, I don’t get paid enough to be asking for my interviewees names). “I can’t afford to have children, so I’m microdosing the experience by babysitting. This invaluable experience has taught me that kids these days are saying literally anything.”

Zoomer was adamant that they are not being “back in my day”-core when they judge Gen Alpha slang. “Our slang is normal. Theirs comes from Ohio???” After taking on Millennials in the generation wars, Zoomer and their peers are setting their sights on the baby Alphas (that’s what I’m calling them; I think it’s got a nice ring to it). 

“I was walking in the park slaying in my Y2K fit when these children yelled ‘What the sigma?!’ at me. I was so confused because I didn’t know anyone still talked about Greek life post #BamaRush.” Zoomer then used their selective memory to claim they were not this annoying when they were younger. 

“The Millennials like to bully me because I’ve made jokes about side parts and the laughing crying emoji and honestly it’s so cringe when the older generation just can’t accept that they’re no longer the new kids on the block. See, what I did there? I translated my point in Millennial-speak.” It was at this point that I realized I had lost control of this interview and that I was hungry and wanted to go home. 

My last attempt at hard-hitting journalism was asking Zoomer what they thought about Gen Alpha picking up the torch from previous generations in erroneously assuming the “new” terms they’re using are Internet slang and not just misused Black English. They gave me a blank stare and I gave them one back. I’m generous like that. Given that they weren’t ready for this conversation, I just gave them more space to dunk on children (because that’s so mature). 

“I don’t have time to look up Skibidi Toilet,” they whined, “I need to wake up early to get to Sephora while the children are still in school, and also to run because I signed up for my quarter-life crisis marathon in the fall.”  

For more information on this riveting story, do not follow us on social media, we are being C-18ed.