Tell us your Renaissance order, and we’ll tell you what your Hinge bio should be

By: Maya Beninteso, Peak Associate

Large upside-down iced caramel macchiato with white mocha syrup instead of vanilla and the cup lined with caramel drizzle

People would often describe you as a (perpetually sugar-high) kid at heart. You’re always looking for a good time, and your profile immediately gives that impression. Your bio is full of very original flirty lines, your favourite being: “Yes, I will take some coffee with my sugar so long as you give me some, too, wink wink.”

Profile Highlights:

Occupation: Fun-Haver
Height: 5’5.5” (yes, the additional half inch is important)
Location: Wanderer <3
Looking for: You know what I’m looking for 😉

Two truths and a lie

I’ve been kicked out of a coffee shop for making too many modifications
I accidentally sent the wrong version of my essay to my English TA that included “that’s what she said,” in brackets following Shakespeare quotes that sounded dirty
I’ve never been kicked out of an English class

The key to my heart is:

Being my karaoke partner (yes, we will be singing Disney duets)

Straight espresso

The first word that comes to mind when anyone views your Hinge profile? Chaotic. You are relentlessly efficient, yet have a mess of a bedroom not even Marie Kondo would dare to touch (you should probably clear your semi-clean clothes from the chair before any Netflix and Chilling). Your profile reads like a business proposal because, let’s be honest, you aren’t down to play the ever-pleasant game of “What are we?”

Profile Highlights:

Occupation: Student, Teaching Assistant
Height: 6’0” (no, I’m not 5’11”)
Location: WAC Bennett Library
Looking for: My Forever Person

Guess my secret talent:

Hypothesizing what questions will be on an upcoming exam
Making my bedroom disappear with piles of clothes
Kicking out students that write inappropriate comments on their English essay
All of the above

My dream home must include:

A quill pen and ink
A grand library
Our marriage certificate, signed

Audio clip: A clip of my podcast, “Ode to the Google Calendar.”

Small leaf tea (in your own cup)

Ah, yes, a calming tea for a calm person. Wrong. Don’t be fooled by the choice of beverage; you couldn’t find inner peace if it were pinned on Google Maps. If the internal locus of control had a Hinge profile, it would look identical to yours. You despise the saying “everything happens for a reason,” and take no chances when it comes to finding love (or bringing awareness to climate change). You background check every single one of your matches and think of all the possible ways it could go wrong — not because of personal experience, of course.

Profile Highlights:

Occupation: Volunteer with Climate Action Network Canada
Height: 5’2”
Location: Vancouver, BC
Looking for: Anyone but Randy

I’m obsessed with (in this particular order):

Revenge

Randy, if you’re reading this, which I bet you aren’t because you probably think this is “too long,” you better stop changing my streaming service passwords, or else I’ll tell your mom what REALLY happened between us (P.S. your PlayStation 5 is having a fun little bathtime right now).