The new Academic Paper Cruncher is out now! Get one while you can!

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Illustrated by Cora Fu

Written by: Jonathan Pabico

Looking for that perfect drink to keep you sleep-deprived during the Fall Semester? Want a boost to get your brain going after a chaotic week of final papers and exams? Looking for a reason to stay at school longer than necessary? If your answer is yes, maybe, or an uncaring shrug to all three questions, then SFU’s new energy drink is the right choice for you!

Known as the Academic Paper Cruncher, this new energy drink was founded by Too Tired Inc. (TT) and with its bizarre ingredients, it has made people question their ridiculous consumer habits. The drink blends energy and past experiences from previous midterms, essays, and other tedious projects for the ultimate academic rush. The Cruncher is served in a cup made of coffee-stained syllabi and misaligned MLA formatting sheets. For two extra dollars, the drink can even be paired with a side of used USB Drives and broken iClickers that beautifully compliment the Cruncher’s amazing academic benefits:

  • Perfect midterm marks that make your peers question what it means to study.
  • Easier time coping with the ego-crushing realities of multiple papers due the same week.
  • Better memory to deal with lousy cramming for a test worth 99% of your final grade.
  • Perfect essay-writing that makes each of your drafts look like the next Mona Lisa.

With its popularity growing, the Cruncher even gives Starbucks and Tim Hortons a run for their money. The success of this new product is due to the high-quality ingredients listed below:

  • 7 ml of copious optimism for the nihilistic abyss called the future.
  • 13 weeks of lecture notes from a lonely, sleep-deprived lifestyle.
  • Your shredded term papers filled with unreadable feedback.
  • 22 grams of classes with overbearing grading curves.
  • 1 teaspoon of unacceptable office hours.
  • 2 tablespoons of stress-inducing midterm study sessions.

For an extra kick, add these exciting toppings:

  • 10 pounds of excessive participation on the first week of semester.
  • 8 mg of pencil shavings, white-out tape, and eraser bits rolled up into a final grade email.
  • 15 scholarships whose arduous requirements call into question the point of their existence.

So if you want to try something new this year, then go out there and buy the Academic Paper Cruncher at a cliff near you. Get your energy into overdrive while supplies last, or you might just fail your class.