Written by: Amal Abdullah

Is there someone who annoys the shit out of you? Do you have a neighbour who just can’t stop playing ridiculously loud music at 2 a.m.? Is there a dude in one of your classes who just won’t shut up about his garbage opinions?

We have the perfect solution for you! For only $14.99, we will take on the responsibility of anonymously delivering a package of coal to this asshole in the mail, along with a card that calmly explains to them that they are an annoying piece of shit, and that they could greatly benefit from a ton-and-a-half of character development.

Why coal, you ask? Not only will it bring back scarring memories of being blackmailed by your parents using the bald-faced lie of Santa delivering you coal instead of presents (or in my case, of constantly hearing about it from friends, or watching it on TV, or reading about it in books and feeling that I was missing out because my family didn’t celebrate Christmas), that shit is also annoying as hell.

The moment they open the package and that envelope to extract that chalky monstrosity, it will cling to their hands, their clothes, and everything else it ever comes in contact with. Plus, the crushed coal be inside the envelope will all pour out the second they take out the card. Anyone who has done a barbeque this summer season can wish them good luck getting that out. That is not an attractive look.

Some FAQs we have received:

“Is this service real?”
No shit, Sherlock!

“Do your moral compasses allow grandmas to be eligible for this service?”
We don’t discriminate!

“Would it be possible to send an extra large order for everyone in the White House?”
YAS! Our number one hope and dream is to turn the White House into a Black House, in more than one way).

Now you can be bitter, give the annoying people in your life what they deserve, and be anonymous about it all. Put your order in today!