By: Meghan Light

SFU received an unexpected visit this week when Dementors infiltrated campus. Unfortunately, the Dementors were disappointed because they could not find what they were looking for.

“We really picked the wrong fucking month to come here,” one Dementor shared with The Peak. For context, Dementors are creatures from Azkaban who get their nutrition from sucking up human souls.

“It’s really unfortunate, because we didn’t know that November was the month that everyone was going to be dead inside,” another Dementor stated. “There are no souls here.”

In the month of November, SFU disproportionately experiences about 90 per cent student soul loss due to weeks of unmarked assignments, negative bank account balances, and the inability to accept GPA numbers will be dropped by an average of one point.

Several SFU students, who refused to be named, shared their experiences of not having a soul.

“I can’t feel my legs,” one student said.

“It feels like I’M the Dementor,” another student stated. Clearly, this student did not understand what it means to be a Dementor, as they would in fact be full of souls.

For next time, we recommended that the visitors come during Welcome Week. This is when all the naive first-year students think they’re in for the time of their lives, and it would be best to come then so the first-years don’t have to experience slowly losing their soul over the course of four years like the rest of us. It would be better to just suck it up before the students can even think university is a fun place to be.  

The Dementors turned to the professors to attempt to feed on their souls, only to find that they don’t have any either. “I went to this one prof, and tried to feed on his soul, but I just got a mouth full of cash and it tasted like shit,” stated one Dementor. Shocking.

The Dementors left campus early Monday morning, disappointed and hungry. We can only hope that next time we can give them the SFU “spirit” that they were looking for.