What you say: “I’ll start my essays way before they’re even due!”

What you’ll actually do: Sit around playing League of Legends and watching videos of cats jumping on pianos. Shit, you’ll even watch paint dry, anything to avoid that essay!

What you say: “I’ll actually read the syllabus next semester!”

What you’ll actually do: Glance over the grading scale and the assignments, before proceeding to ask the professor several dozen questions that are clearly answered in the syllabus.

What you say: “I’ll get used textbooks and sell my old ones — save some money, you know.”

What you’ll actually do: Wait until two weeks into the semester before realizing that you have readings to do. Rush to the bookstore, only to find that they are out of stock. End up ordering online, paying $100 for shipping.

What you say: “I’ll have perfect attendance! Missing class is like burning money!”

What you’ll actually do: Shamelessly sleep through three-hour lectures that start at noon, like a billionaire lighting their cigarettes by burning $1,000-bills.

What you say: “I’ll make a real effort this time. I’ll participate in discussions, be friendly to my classmates, and even attend office hours.”

What you’ll actually do: Drag yourself from class to class like the bleary-eyed zombie that you are, grunting unintelligibly at anyone who says “Hi,” and sustaining yourself with the knowledge that you can finally sleep when you get home.

What you say: “Social media is a distraction. No Facebook, texting, tweeting, chirping, beeping, or bleating on campus.”

What you’ll actually do: Bring your laptop to class for “notes” and immediately log into Facebook at the start of every class, spending each lecture staring enviously at your friend Chip’s vacation photos from his latest trip to Cabo.

What you say: “Work first, then fun. I’ll stay on a strict homework regimen.”

What you’ll actually do: Binge-watch all of BoJack Horseman and Parks and Recreation, because come on, what’s another hour anyway? You’ve got all night to start your essay.

What you say: “I’ll join a club and make some new friends. SFU may be a concrete jungle, but it’s time I act like the social animal that I am!”

What you’ll actually do: Talk to a half-dozen club representatives on clubs day, saying lots of things like “Sounds interesting,” and “I’ll definitely drop by.” You sign up for an email list and subsequently ignore every email they ever send you.

What you say: “I’ll get up way earlier than I need to for that one tutorial on Friday. I’ll have breakfast, shower, do some homework, and then go to school.”

What you’ll actually do: Hurl yourself out of bed at the last minute, greasy hair flapping in the wind, and arrive panting and sweaty just in the nick of time.