Ahh, Canada, that patch of snowy desolation that inspired such a lack of interest from the French they simply told Britain, “Fuck, just take it.”
Canada has done a lot of growing since the 19th century. While it still isn’t exactly the most glamorous place to live, Canada Day celebrations are more exciting than just sitting at home watching TV. Unless of course the new season of Orange is the New Black is streaming, then definitely watch that instead.
If you don’t have it, however, or you miraculously don’t know how to use the Internet then it’s worth coming out for the good ol’ Canadian tradition of drinking beer and yelling at fireworks in a crowd of red and white cape-wearing fools — er, rather, patriots.
Canada certainly has its flaws, such as a lack of a living minimum wage or gender equal pay, mild to extreme racism, a history of oppression of First Nations Peoples, an irreparable rift between Francophone and Anglophone Canada, and Molson Canadian — but hey, at least we have the best maple syrup.
Yes, there is that whole Bill C-51, deprivation of constitutional freedom thing, yadda, yadda, but your fear or life in prison will disintegrate when you see a Mountie riding up to arrest you in their bright red uniform and ruffled pants. While we may be a bunch of freeloading commies with our government healthcare, at least we’re polite. Canada is so polite that we’re even polite about invading other countries, or “peacekeeping” as we call it.
Canadian history and politics may be boring, but hey, at least it isn’t the US. They don’t even say please down there, which is reason enough to hold up your beer proudly and say, “Happy Canada Day.”
