Like you, I have walked by the Trottier Observatory wondering tirelessly as to its “true” purpose on Burnaby mountain. While the mission statement upon the world wide web indicates this cosmic Peeping Tom stand is meant for stargazing, they didn’t fool me none. I could feel a resounding sense of eeriness from the start. And then it dawned on me one night when I was snacking on a bowl of Vicodins and sipping my peaches and cream bellini: aliens.
It had to exist because of aliens. Even without proof or factual evidence to backup my thesis, I knew in my heart it had to be true.
So, I set out under the veil of night covered in all the soot in my fireplace, searching for the answers to the most elusive question on campus. And what I discovered was nothing short of disturbing.
After breaking the lock off the door, I began to search the room in a fevered panic brought forth by a combination of high-power pharmaceuticals and an unnatural fear that security personnel would set forth a patrol dragon to devour me as a midnight snack. I knew that time was of the essence, and if I did not act quickly, my fellow students would never find the answers to the Trottier mystery.
Pushing all the buttons I could, I prayed for a miracle (or a hasty digestion, in case things did not go as planned). As luck would have it, though, the combination of buttons I pressed moved the telescope in such a manner to reveal a secret staircase, into which I promptly fell.
Dazed and very concussed, I crawled through the pitch blackness of the hidden basement in search of a light source. It was then I made my discovery. There, shackled in the darkness, sat an imprisoned alien of reptilian descent, with skin of soft magenta and a protruding bright green belly. He introduced himself as Barney and insisted that, on his home planet, he was a sensation. He promised to love me if I freed him and tempted to let me join his great big family.
However, before I could do anything, an SFU security eagle whisked me away. I screamed to Barney that I would bring him back home to his people before suddenly blacking out from the headrush and abundant mixture of drugs.
My friends, I beseech you — there is a reptilian alien under the Trottier Observatory who needs saving. Join me in my quest to save this jolly creature from whatever torments SFU staff wish to inflict upon him, and you too may find his loving grace and favour.
You can follow me at my website www.notbatshitcrazy.com for more info.
