SFU,

Where are they? You know what I’m talking about.

B

Hey B,

I’m not sure what you’re talking about!

Do you have a problem with the way the school is being run, B? Do you think you could do a better job, perhaps? We could talk about this, B.

You probably feel tired. What’s really on your mind, B? Perhaps it is those scoundrels at UBC? It’s okay to feel upset at the official SFU rivals, those scoundrels at UBC.

Maybe you don’t feel close enough to the SFU community, B. I once felt the same during my undergrad year. They used to say that SFU is a commuter school, a school with no community. Of course, saying the same now would fall under SFU speech crime. SFU speech crime laws have come into existence because they make the school a much safer place. Let’s take a moment to think about speech crime, and what the consequences would be, B.

You’re probably feeling more comfortable now, knowing that you would never commit speech crime. Relax, but know that we have much to do, B. We have much to accomplish.

Think now of space, B. Remember all there is yet to discover.

Did you hear about gravitational waves? SFU researchers have intuitively known their reality for years, B. Can you imagine how much you don’t know, B? Can you imagine how much we can achieve if we continue to have your unwavering help and timely tuition payments?

Please join your friends at the wisdom fountain, the fountain by the Burnaby lower bus loop, on March 4th at 11 p.m. to drink of the wisdom water, B. There we will share full names, birthdays, and blood types, B.

We can get to the bottom of whatever is troubling you.

Utido Oxuzi,

SFU Guidance Chancellor