Dear Dr. Breakup,
My partner of three years just dumped me for some shrimpy little hairball with a manbun. I don’t know how he could do this to me. Dmitri said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me when he drunk texted me from Cuba. I literally just got a tattoo of his name on my ankle, too. I feel like the world’s biggest idiot. Should I like try and go after him or should I spend my energy finding another man named Dmitri?
–Chad, 23
Dear Chad,
Your actions are proof alone that love makes idiots of the best of us. I would advise against going after Dmitri. Any person that finds a man bun sexy sounds basic as fuck. I would suggest putting your energy into brainstorming up something to cover up that tat. May I suggest a singing cheese burger?
– Dr. Breakup
Dear Dr. Breakup,
After New Year’s eve, I decided to cut ties with my boyfriend of six months. He was just too stupid. Like oh my god, I shouldn’t have to tell him to get me a chocolate bar when I want one — he should just know by, like, my mannerisms and body language and stuff. Now he’s like, calling me wanting to get back together and I don’t know what to do. Like he was really good in bed and stuff but he’s like just the biggest idiot I’ve ever met.
–Priscilla, 21
Dear Priscilla,
You’re a woman with high standards and you deserve nothing short of the best. In celebration of your new single status, I prescribe the “Basic B” spa day. It starts with you getting your alignment re-adjusted so your cranium will sink less within your anal cavity. It then finishes with an invigorating high colonic that will purge you of all that shit you’re full of.
Treat yourself and do it twice.
-Dr. Breakup
Dear Dr. Breakup,
My dirty rotten stupid douche canoe boyfriend just dumped me over facebook. He didn’t even have the cajones to do it over the phone or to my face. I can’t find the strength to get out of bed, I feel emotionally destroyed. My heart feels like a crushed beanie baby. I wish I were dead.
–Carol, 16
Dear Carol,
So do we.
–Dr. Breakup
Dear Dr. Breakup,
I’ve been so lonely since my youthful pool boy, Rodrigo, decided to leave me and go back to Honduras. I’ve just been beside myself in my big old mansion drinking chardonay all by lonesome. While I was going through my daughter’s room looking for her stash of weed brownies, I stumbled upon your column. Hmmm, I’ve never written to a doctor before 😉 It kind of sexy when you think about it. Are you single, Dr. Breakup? I would really like to get up on your operating table and get tested on my cardiovascular. 😉
XOXO
–Brandy Jay, 43
Dear Brandy Jay,
If you’re looking for cardio, walk your drunk ass in any direction that isn’t mine.
–Dr. Breakup
Feeling heartbroken? Book a diagnoses with Dr. Breakup today at [email protected]!
