Boohoo: The Rhinoceros Party

In an already-cluttered sea of stupid and untrustworthy Canadian political parties, for the love of God, do not place your trust with the dimwitted hosers in the Rhinoceros Party. Tick the ballot box on literally anything else this fall, and rid the Great White North of the most worthless group of individuals since Nickelback.

These buffoons wanted to repeal the law of gravity, and ban guns, horrible winters, and butter. You can expect to place your faith in a group of politicians whom were willing to declare war on Belgium when the fictitious icon Tintin killed some insignificant rhino. Or in a party that once proposed to make the Trans-Canada Highway a one-way road, and to abolish all crime in Canada by simply getting rid of all laws. Hell, voting Pirate Party of Canada makes more bloody sense.

Woohoo: A Swinger’s party

Still feeling jilted by your rejection into a SFU fraternity or sorority? Well, put down your Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia, and toss your car keys in the bowl, sailor: take a walk on the wild side and come join in on the fun of a swinger’s party.

Jam packed with discreet hideouts, coded speech and super secret lingo, why kick it like a vanilla* when you could be getting your rocks off with the progressively avant-garde. Practice your horizontal mambo with an array of different lovers, and keep your sex life positively energized and diverse.

It’s been said that being a swinger increases the quality, quantity and frequency of sexual activity (and who doesn’t want that?). So keep your eyes peeled for the ceramic hedgehog* in your community, because chances are behind closed doors the ‘70s live on.

*term for non-swinger.