A Dear John letter, as written by my TiVo

Photo courtesy of Paladin27 (Flickr)

Dear Jacey,

The last three Parks and Recreation-filled years spent with you have been great, and there’s no easy way for me to do this, so I’m just going to say it: I think I should start seeing other people.

This probably won’t come as a total surprise for you. We’ve been like strangers for months, ever since we jokingly watched Pitbull’s New Year’s Revolution together the morning after — while you were stuck on the couch, too hungover to function. Remember that? We laughed for hours at Pitbull’s terrible hosting, and poked fun at how impossibly irrelevant a New Year’s special with Enrique Iglesias was in the year 2014. 

That was the last time I actually remember being happy with you. With us. Shortly after that, you started your new semester, and things totally changed.

I want you to know that I don’t blame you, and I hope you don’t blame me either. You’re really busy, and the shows nowadays don’t have the same draw like they used to. The television landscape is always shifting, and I knew there would be bad days as well as good days when I agreed to be your TiVo. But it’s like I don’t even exist to you anymore.

It’s not my fault they decided to split Mad Men’s final season into two parts and have a 10 month hiatus in between. Just like it wasn’t my fault that TLC decided to cancel Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo or that Californication went off the air back in June. How was that show still even on? Never mind, though. This isn’t the time or place for another one of our David Duchovny-fuelled arguments. Not because I’m right or because I’m right, but because the days for those are over.

Remember how good things were in the beginning? Episodes of Modern Family and The Simpsons backlogged for as far as the menu could scroll. We used to spend hours across from each other, you shirtless on the couch, wearing those pajama pants that were so torn around the cuffs that you turned them into shorts, with your hand perpetually stuck in a rotating bag of either Cool Ranch or Nacho Cheese Doritos. Do you think we got too comfortable with each other? Maybe that’s why you started to drift away from me.

The time we spent together was amazing, really, but I need a change. I want someone who comes home from school and is too lazy to go to the gym later on. I want someone who will put reruns of 16 & Pregnant before their school work and any other obligation that might inevitably come up. I want. . . someone else.

I wish I could say that we’ll still be friends, but we both know that’s not true. I’ve already called your cable company, and they’re supposed to be setting me up with someone new. Maybe they’ll even be “the one”? I suppose there’s only one way to find out though.

Take care of yourself, Jacey. I’ll never forget those Breaking Bad marathons we shared together.

Always in your heart (but not always on your mind),
            Your TiVo