With respect to the intentions of the writer, the opinion piece “No, #NotAllMen” is a great example of a frustrating phenomenon for women* who speak out as feminists: the push from men for feminists to tailor their outrage to innocent men, framing it as advice on how to be effective feminists.
Perhaps some aren’t aware of the strategies used historically to silence women, including asking them to change their ‘tone,’ to not be ‘hysterical,’ and to treat us as if our impressions are without validity. This last strategy sometimes appears as ‘gaslighting’ (where a person is made to doubt their own senses and and memory), or as the assertion that if the complaint uses generalities or doesn’t include the type of specific argumentation that men are comfortable that the complaint is not valid.
However, the experience of sexism many women face is as much subtle and emotional as it is direct, immediate, or violent. Assault — emotional or physical — is so pervasive, that it’s practically impossible to predict who will perpetuate it in your life. As a general experience, and in many different ways, women operate in a culture which puts them in the position to feel vulnerable at all times, and threat culture pushes back against any expression of resistance to that imposed vulnerability, including making it visible or resisting the attitudes or structures which insist upon it.
If this is an attitude that you feel oppresses you as a man, then think of how women feel — carrying around that paranoia and suspicion is exhausting and damaging. ‘Nice guys’ rape, they harass, they intimidate — both unknowingly and knowingly. Think about not being able to trust (or at least, told not to trust) your own judgment in your casual or intimate relationships. We are told we are being too- or hyper-sensitive. Imagine not being able to make choices about your clothes, location or attitude without thinking about what people would say about you if something were to happen. Telling us your disgust with this behaviour and wanting to be counted out is laudable, but ultimately talking to other men is your power.
Feminism is not a philosophy with a single voice or point of view, so I acknowledge how those who don’t connect with gendered experience can find it hard to navigate the particulars. Even if it is an imperfect generalization, I say take that feeling of being generalized about — which women of all types and privileges deal with in some way — and feel it with empathy, and direct that feeling towards those who are foisting that feeling on women and their male allies.
Women have enough to fight for, and about, already. Help us, regardless of the niceties — let us be loud and angry because this is worth being angry about. Lend us your voice, lend us your power, talk to the men that may not know how to listen to women but will listen to you. Your voice IS important, but if you are using it to tell us to be nicer, you will be drowned out by all the voices telling women to be nicer, to stay in their place. If you REALLY want your voice to be heard, then stand with feminists, where not as many men are found. THAT will make you really stand out and be seen as a man who doesn’t support rape culture. THAT will show that you are #NotAllMen.
*Note: for this letter I use the term “women” for brevity, but I mean it to intend self identified women, trans, and genderqueer persons or those who seen as non-traditionally masculine — many of them face similar issues around safety and invalidation.
Maegan Thomas
Spoken Word Coordinator, CJSF 90.1 FM
