At Peak Humour we understand that you’re probably a very busy person who doesn’t have time to waste reading the typical vague statements about what you might want to do or may want to avoid in your day as found in your typical horoscope. So, just for you, we cut the fat and got straight to the exact guidance that you, the busy astrology-believing idiot, need!

Aries (March 21 – April 20)

Get the low-fat.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)

Stop blinking so much.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)

Watch Wheel of Fortune, skip Jeopardy.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)

Apologize.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Answer every question you receive this week in this order: yes, no, no, yes, yes, yes, toasted, yes, yes, I said toasted, yes, yes, no, yes. Repeat from beginning if necessary.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)

Don’t buy that, the other one is on sale and it’s like the same thing.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)

Stop at red lights.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)

Loft the boomerang bird so that it hits the TNT in the middle of the level directly. 

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)

Don’t bother reading this whole thing.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Wear blue.

Aquarius  (January 21 – February 19)

Put three chips on black and one on “00.”

Pieces (February 20 – March 20)

At 10 a.m. on Wednesday, yawn and stretch your arms in the air.

Born on this week (July 21 – July 28)

Eat some cake.