By Gary Lim

Hello? Heeellooo? Where is everyone? Did they get raptured? Did I miss the rapture? Since when is it a sin to drown a bag o— OH, right it’s Family Day.

Family Day, for the uninformed, is a statutory holiday that has been celebrated in the other provinces since as early as 1990. Officially inducted into the British Columbian calendar last year by the Liberal party after voting down a Conservative’s proposal for Minorities’ Acknowledgement Day.

To summarize: Family Day falls on the second Monday of February, this year the 11th, and that’s pretty much it. Definitely no Christmas or Thanksgiving, Family Day ranks somewhere in between Labour Day and Louis Riel Day, identifying with one of those holidays that could otherwise be called “Take the day off work” Day.

Anyways since it is the fi rst Family Day, the question remains how exactly are we supposed to celebrate it? Is there some sort of Family Day tree? Is this one of those holiday where it’s acceptable to set off a metric fuckton of fireworks? Well, in preparation for the first Family Day, and partially due to the fact The Peak isn’t publishing an issue for reading break.

Peak Humour is proud to present “how to celebrate Family Day.”

1. Eat an unreasonable amount of food

It works for Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and every family-related gathering of every ethnicity ever (that’s not racist). People everywhere just seem to correlate eating a Honey BooBoolean amount of food to a good time. In fact it’s my personal theory that when given the chance, people will ingest three dozen mincement tarts and only otherwise be held back by society’s choke chain and stern command of “No! Don’t you do that! No walkies!”

But while you’re gorging, remember that it’s not just a grotesque amount of food for you to cram into your gravy-lubricated gullet; it’s also food that you would never eat if it were at any other time of year. Congealed cranberry paste? Com’on man, what’s the matter with you? Congealed cranberry paste in the middle of October? Hot damn, I will slather that on everything that will enter by body. Everything.

2. Make up your own insane tradition

When you think about it, the original holiday traditions were probably thought up by crazy folks, and everyone just kind of went along with it. Because that’s what you do when a crazy person tells you to decorate a tree at knifepoint. You spray some fake snow, string up the lights and top it all off with a beautiful angel. All while grinning ear to ear and hoping he doesn’t realize that the lights are blinking SOS.

So who says you can’t celebrate Family Day by slicing golf balls off the side of a highway or mixing a bathtub full of bootleg gin? Just tidy it up with some carols or a cutesy mascot that you can have Chinese children cross-stitch onto a t-shirt, and you’ll have Hallmark executives clawing at your door.

3. Do something solely out of obligation

You know the best part of holidays? that warm feeling you when you’re colouring Easter eggs, or chugging green beer with your loved ones, and you take a moment to step back and just enjoy the moment? Yeah that’s pretty great.

But that’s not what I’m talking about. What I’m talking about is the holiday bullshit that no one wants to do, but everyone seemingly has to do out of obligation. You ever go Valentine’s Day shopping? I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.

How much am I supposed to spend? what if I find out he or she spent more than I did? Oh god, what if they find out. Wait, what size do they wear? Don’t they already have one of these? What do you mean chore coupons are a terrible gift? And suddenly you’re on the ground clutching a large heart-shaped box of chocolates, violently seizing.

So this Family Day, do something solely because you have to. Do your taxes. Delouse a cat. Just don’t enjoy yourself.

4. Spend some time with your family

I guess you could. I mean practically everything is closed for this stupid statutory holiday anyways.