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Disney to buy out your entire childhood

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Disney concocts their most evil scheme since The Return of Jafar

By Gary Lim
Space Mountaineer


Shocking news came from Disney Corporation after a confidential memo from the desk of Walt Disney executive Robert Iger was leaked on popular social news site Reddit, last Saturday.

According to the memo, Disney’s acquisition of Marvel, Pixar and most recently Lucasfilm are merely the first steps toward much grander aspirations. The note carefully lays out what seems to be Disney’s five-year program to purchase your entire childhood.

The note includes a schedule for future buyouts of the Jim Henson Company, Nintendo, Warner Bros, as well as several other prominent children’s entertainment companies. In an effort to quell the media rumours, the cryogenically preserved head of Walter Disney was temporarily unfrozen for to give a press conference.

“Well looks like someone let the Tigger out of the bag. Now I make no qualms about this, since I founded the company in 1923 the stated goal of the Walt Disney Corporation has been a monopoly on childhood. That’s all we want, just a measly little total financial control over the first 18 years of your life. Is that really so much to ask for the countless hours of heartwarming family-friendly entertainment we’ve provided over the years? I don’t think it is.”

Contrary to belief that the public outing might be enough to stop Disney’s twisted ambitions, it actually seems to have accelerated the plans of the multi-billion dollar corporation.

“We’re moving toward a bright new future, ladies and gentlemen,” the head continued.

[pullquote]Contrary to belief that the public outing might be enough to stop Disney’s twisted ambitions, it actually seems to have accelerated the plans of the multi-billion dollar corporation.[/pullquote]

“Not only will we own every piece of intellectual property you experience from ages 0–18, the Disney copyrighters are currently securing the patents to the memories and experiences that shaped all of you growing up. Your first sleepover? It’s ours now. Burying Mr. Bubbles  in the backyard? Yep. The time Rhonda Finkelberg let you get to second base at band camp? We’re turning it into a feature-length movie starring Tim Allen as a talking dog. “

 

 

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

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© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

Contact us:
[email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society 1965-2024