By Gary Lim

Aries (March 21 – April 20)
You don’t care what they say, if you lead that horse to water, you will make it drink. Swathes of drowned horses be damned.

Taurus (April 21 – May 21)
It’s time to break out of your boring old routine and throw some caution to the wind this week. If caution is unavailable, scissors will work fine.

Gemini (May 22 – June 21)
Mercury is rising in your sign this week. But it’s not the only thing that’ll be rising if you get my drift. Your sourdough bread will come out fantastic.

Cancer (June 22 – July 22)
The word on the tip of your tongue this week is aglet. Aglet. You’re welcome.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your latest million-dollar idea will fall flat when market research shows that most people already own a fork.

Virgo (August 23 – September 23)
As it turns out your name sounds surprisingly close to a swear word in Cantonese. On a related note, you are no longer welcome in Chinatown.

Libra (September 24 – October 23)
Look, when the shampoo says no more tears. It is not a challenge. Now for the love of god, return those children to their parents.

Kevin (October 24 – November 22)
Oh, hi I’m Kevin Mr. Scorpio retired last week, and I’m his temporary replacement. I can give you his forwarding address if you need to get in contact with him.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)
This week on Dancing with the Stars: Steve Buscemi is incinerated in the corona of Capricorn’s binary star during the mambo.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your depression will reach staggering new lows when even your own hand falls asleep during the tender act of you fucking it.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 19)
Friendly advice: stop turning everything into a competition. Particularly shot put.

Pieces (February 20 – March 20)
This week will pretty much be the same as last week. Look, if you want an interesting horoscope, live a more interesting life.