McFogg the Dog eats small amount of chocolate

Tragedy struck early last weekend when beloved SFU mascot McFogg the dog was discovered to have ingested over one-third of a Hershey’s ® chocolate bar.  Sidney Jackson, McFogg’s handlers describes the circumstances

“I . . . I only left him for a second; I had to pick up some requisition forms from the main office.  But when I got back I saw him sitting there, chewing away at the chocolate bar. I was horrified. I knocked it out of his paws and tried to induce vomiting, but I must have spooked him. He took off like a rocket.  Oh god, It should’ve been me. It should’ve been me!”

Half an hour later, students spotted McFogg stumbling around the A.Q. gardens in a daze. He failed to put up a fight, as Security loaded him in a refrigerator-sized pet carrier.  McFogg is currently under observation in intensive at Burnaby General. Our prayers are with him.

— Mandy Mandelbaum

Guy takes Terry Fox Run way too seriously

The Terry Fox Run, an annual cancer-awareness fundraiser commemorating the eponymous Canadian hero, was marred last Tuesday by the hyper-competitiveness of one 4th year business student Marshal Klein.

Onlookers report that Klein, dressed in a friction-reducing body suit and a pair of wraparound sunglasses, was waiting starting line in Convocation Mall several hours before the beginning of the 4.4 km charity fun-run.

3rd-year communications major, Alexis Travelle, one of the dozens of student volunteers setting up water stations describes what she saw. “Oh, yeah that guy, I spotted him trying to talk to people while running in place, he kept asking about their carbo-loading schedule or what the moisture-wicking efficacy of their clothing was. Fucking weirdo. ”

At press time, Klein is doing forward lunges behind of the fountain, while loudly telling himself to “Grind it out.“

— Lynn Lindburgh

Something filmed at SFU that you will never watch

Reports coming out of SFU Burnaby of film crews trucking equipment around the campus, seem to indicate that something is being secretly filmed on location, that you will probably never watch.

Although initial reports were unable to ascertain whether the nature or genre of the mystery film, whether it is a romantic comedy, psychological thriller, or perhaps a sci-fi epic set in post-apocalyptic future, the fact remains that  you still aren’t going to see it.

Your obvious boredom toward the subject matter is barely stymied by rumours of sightings of former Lost star Josh Holloway skulking about on campus dressed in a heavy trench coat and sunglasses. Nor is your disinterest remotely swayed by confirmation that a werewolf just burst out of a 5th story AQ window.

As of press time, you might consider torrenting it, if you can find a good seed.

— Dave Davenport

By Gary Lim