This Valentine’s day, practice full frontal giving.

By Davey Kaspersky

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably got some Valentine’s Day hang-ups that really grind your gears. For some, it’s finding a date in the first place. Tell me about it! For others, it’s spending too much or too little. Geez, we’re supposed to be economists now?! I even know one couple that gave each other the same gift one year! Talk about “Gift of the Magi”—or is that miffed of the Magi?

For me, though, it’s predictability. Flowers? Chocolate? Please! A lady being treated by me will get no such clichéd offerings. No, she will truly be surprised when I give her my Valentine’s Day gift. She won’t even expect a gift at all. She doesn’t even know who I am. But with a quick doffing of my overcoat to reveal my naked form and a jolly waggle of the ol’ pecker before she runs away in horror, I’ve just given her a gift she’ll never forget.

I know she’s screaming in horror, but what she really means is, “You shouldn’t have!”

Yes, when you’re a flasher with all the convictions of myself, every day, Valentine’s or otherwise, is an opportunity for surprise and merriment. It doesn’t matter where you go, when you do it, or whom you do it to; the expression on someone’s face as you expose your genitalia is its own reward.

But just because you can whip out your member and gratify yourself publicly, doesn’t mean you should. It’s not because you’ll have to give the RCMP a DNA sample if those narcs catch you; it’s because gift giving, even giving the gift of yourself, has rules.

Rule number one: set the mood. You can’t just pull your skin flute out of its case and start the recital willy-nilly; how uncouth! Choose a time and place that will really add to the meaning of the moment. For me, the best time is the dead of night, and the place is a public park — great views, and plenty of unsuspecting joggers. Though personally I am unable to be within 100 metres of a public park as a condition of my parole, that shouldn’t stop you.

Rule number two: expect nothing in return. This is one I always keep in mind. Really! Mostly, it’s because when someone does decide to return the favour, it’s with a dousing of pepper spray to the face,  or a generous kick to the dangle-berries, and I’ve already got one of those. Several times this week, in fact.

And finally: dress to impress. This isn’t 1998 anymore, so put away those tear-away track pants. Invest in a proper, but somewhat filthy and menacing trench coat that will hide your junk until just the right moment. And make sure it’s a thick coat, too, because it can get cold at night — if you catch my drift. Oh, and if you are wearing a radio-tracking ankle bracelet that some asshole judge ‘court-mandated’, be sure to shine it up with good silver polish. No sense looking like a bum when you’re trying to look like a creep!

I hope this has been helpful. Good luck on your indecent Valentine’s Day gift giving! Now, if you’ll excuse me, Ithink I hear sirens, and I’ve got priors.

 

Unfortunately, The Peak does not publish an issue over reading break, so this article comes after the fact. We hope you can use its advice for another gift giving holiday like Christmas or Mother’s Day. —ED

If you’re anything like me, you’ve probably got some Valentine’s Day hang-ups that really grind your gears. For some, it’s finding a date in the first place. Tell me about it! For others, it’s spending too much or too little. Geez, we’re supposed to be economists now?! I even know one couple that gave each other the same gift one year! Talk about “Gift of the Magi”—or is that miffed of the Magi?

For me, though, it’s predictability. Flowers? Chocolate? Please! A lady being treated by me will get no such clichéd offerings. No, she will truly be surprised when I give her my Valentine’s Day gift. She won’t even expect a gift at all. She doesn’t even know who I am. But with a quick doffing of my overcoat to reveal my naked form and a jolly waggle of the ol’ pecker before she runs away in horror, I’ve just given her a gift she’ll never forget.

I know she’s screaming in horror, but what she really means is, “You shouldn’t have!”

Yes, when you’re a flasher with all the convictions of myself, every day, Valentine’s or otherwise, is an opportunity for surprise and merriment. It doesn’t matter where you go, when you do it, or whom you do it to; the expression on someone’s face as you expose your genitalia is its own reward.

But just because you can whip out your member and gratify yourself publicly, doesn’t mean you should. It’s not because you’ll have to give the RCMP a DNA sample if those narcs catch you; it’s because gift giving, even giving the gift of yourself, has rules.

Rule number one: set the mood. You can’t just pull your skin flute out of its case and start the recital willy-nilly; how uncouth! Choose a time and place that will really add to the meaning of the moment. For me, the best time is the dead of night, and the place is a public park — great views, and plenty of unsuspecting joggers. Though personally I am unable to be within 100 metres of a public park as a condition of my parole, that shouldn’t stop you.

Rule number two: expect nothing in return. This is one I always keep in mind. Really! Mostly, it’s because when someone does decide to return the favour, it’s with a dousing of pepper spray to the face,  or a generous kick to the dangle-berries, and I’ve already got one of those. Several times this week, in fact.

And finally: dress to impress. This isn’t 1998 anymore, so put away those tear-away track pants. Invest in a proper, but somewhat filthy and menacing trench coat that will hide your junk until just the right moment. And make sure it’s a thick coat, too, because it can get cold at night — if you catch my drift. Oh, and if you are wearing a radio-tracking ankle bracelet that some asshole judge ‘court-mandated’, be sure to shine it up with good silver polish. No sense looking like a bum when you’re trying to look like a creep!

I hope this has been helpful. Good luck on your indecent Valentine’s Day gift giving! Now, if you’ll excuse me, Ithink I hear sirens, and I’ve got priors.

 

Unfortunately, The Peak does not publish an issue over reading break, so this article comes after the fact. We hope you can use its advice for another gift giving holiday like Christmas or Mother’s Day. —ED

SHARE