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How to integrate being a hoe into your fall semester

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1. Be prepared. No one wants to be sitting next to the person who needs a pen or piece of paper, and same goes for sex. The first time it could be a flirty excuse to get their number, but if a person cannot be trusted to bring basic supplies, how can they be trusted to bring it to study some anatomy?
2. Keep a tidy dorm room to subdue your parents’ suspicions. You couldn’t answer their call last night because you were studying in the library, obviously. You definitely did not manage to cram three people into your twin bed — nope.

(Additionally, try to find out what Skyping angles hide your door best so you can order that over-the-door sex swing you found while browsing Amazon trying to make the most of your free six months of Amazon Prime two-day shipping. )
3. Use a planner, or maybe try bullet journals! They’re fast and efficient, just like your ex in bed. Plus, you can find some Insta inspo with hashtags like #bujo and #bj, to name a few! Not only will you know when your paper is due, you’ll also know when you’re due to get laid.
4. Get tested — and not only by your professors. When you know you’re clear and good to go, it’s much more fun to be a hoe!
5. Scout out all the best sex spots on campus since Shrum isn’t the only place you can find chemistry! There’s the infamous avocado, but don’t overlook other opportunities, like the old single-stall washrooms — they’re not just for private pooping!
6. Buy bananas. Not only are those babies good for you and your brain, but they’re a subtle way to demonstrate your skills to potential partners.
7. Take the stairs instead of the elevator to the sixth floor of the AQ. Climbing the stairs will leave you with a perfect rosy flush for when you talk to your hot TA, and it basically counts as cardio. You’re building up your stamina, one trip to your TA’s office at a time.
8. Grab some rubbers! The doctor’s office is stocked full of them, and you’ll be there anyway since it’s flu season. And if you’re one of the lucky few who never seems to get sick, you could always fake a cough to get some free condoms.

In the end, if you decide that being a hoe just isn’t for you or just can’t get it up, at least you can work on getting your GPA up. You do you, boo.

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society