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Sex Advice with Wally Bergmann

Humour
EIC
EIC
2 min.
0
1192

“My partner and I were discharged from the hospital after discovering an inconvenient allergy to candle wax. On one hand, lighting them closes up our throats in two seconds flat and leaves us both at risk of asphyxiation. On the other, we’re too vanilla to try other kinks. How can we keep it spicy while staying safe?

I don’t wanna die,

Shay.”

 

Hey Shay,

Why not renovate one of your rooms into a sex dungeon? Since you two apparently don’t want to try toys, you can fill it with EpiPens instead. Double penetration is super hot.

Wishing you a speedy recovery,

Wally Bergmann

 

“I’m not outgoing enough to meet new people, so I limit my dating pool to my friends’ exes. I’ve been running into a problem; they keep saying the wrong name when we get dirty! Is there a quick fix?

Feeling inferior,

Alex.”

 

Hey Alex,

Luckily, your creatively-stunted parents handed you one of the century’s most common (read: basic bitch) names. Narrow your criteria from “friends’ exes” to “Alex’s exes”. You’ll still have a wide selection, but this way, you’ll never be certain that they’re fantasizing about somebody else.

Keep it real,

Wally Bergmann

 

“I’m a private person with many miniscule idiosyncrasies. It’s only natural that the one person who gets me is my split personality. We’ve tried every tactic imaginable to get intimate: hyper-realistic toys, mirror play, hot diary entries… Sadly, nothing’s successfully scratched our itches. Tips?

Internally conflicted,

Harley.”

 

Dear Harley (and your paramour),

Everybody has seven or eight lookalikes wandering the planet, right? Hire one! You say you can write; adapt those diary entries into a script for sensual roleplaying. Your doppelgänger can switch parts whenever you switch control of the toolset. With an agent’s aid, you might publish the next Fifty Shades of Grey!

Wishing you two the best,

Wally Bergmann

 

“My troubles originated with crash diet #4. I chose Catkins to avoid sacrificing tuna. Then the hallucinations began… Things came to a head when I envisioned my partner’s bone as a taquito. He can’t watch Teeth anymore, and I’ve gone vegan. How do I fix things?

Starved for affection,

Reggie.”

 

Hello Reggie,

  1. Add extra steps to your daily routine to burn the excess calories.
  2. Give him the space he needs.
  3. Meanwhile, ensure he’s constantly aware that you’re available if he needs support. Consider delivering occasional gift baskets of sausages (a reminder that there are other schlongs in the sea), or biting more acceptable body parts (softly!) to demonstrate that he’s still hot and sexy.

Here’s hoping your meat trauma fades,

Wally Bergmann

 

…and that’s a wrap! Don’t forget to submit your worries to [email protected] for our next release if you want to know how best to navigate your libidinous young-adult sitcom-lives!

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society