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Grace N. Howl on the SFSS Campaign Trail ’16: The Final Countdown

Humour
EIC
EIC
2 min.
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Hello SFU,

As the campaign comes to a close and the results of the fate of the SFSS soon to be determined, I wanted to remind all of you of the importance of voting. Specifically, the importance of voting for ME, Grace N. Howl, as your next SFSS president.

Throughout the campaign I have worked non-stop to remind you all that I am the candidate with the greatest promise and the biggest bank account. I am a shining example of promise and someone who will do more than talk her pretty face off, unlike some of the other candidates. Aside from the talk of students building schools, voter apathy, and beer gardens that didn’t flourish, I feel like some of the current candidates aren’t hitting the hard-hitting issues at all. They are just barely scratching the surface. They fill the air with high level talk and circling dialogue that, let’s be honest, sounds a lot like a broken President Petter track played on repeat. With no way to turn it off to save your bleeding ears.

If you want engagement, then rise up and stand behind me. With my inheritance I will be able to build nap rooms so that you can kick out those people drooling onto the keyboards. These nap rooms will be able to give students the ability to recharge from a long night of procrastination and woeful drinking — after all, how else can you engage the world if you’re passed out and hungover? People of greatness thrive on cheap, plastic gymnastics mats! Who wants to say that I’m a thoughtless and heartless egomaniac now? I eat humble pie every morning for breakfast to remind myself of how great I am, and these other over confident candidates really should too.

Once I am elected as SFSS president, I vow to stay connected to all the current candidates as well bringing myself to take advice from the other lesser known candidates. The avocado is kind of like the John Kasich of this race: you have no idea who he is, nor did you know that he was running. This is the lack of engagement I am talking about, people! How can you call yourself an engaged student of an engaged university if you don’t even engage what’s beyond your sad Instagram feed? The avocado and I will do great things, even if he is having an identity crisis right now. I also vow to accept him for who he chooses to be (#IStandBehindTheAvocado).

Engaging with important things and throwing money around for the betterment of students. If that’s not a Howling success, then I think I might be too mighty for petty student politics. Either way, you better just check my name off on the ballot and not think about it. Don’t want to scramble your hardworking brains.

Grace N. Howl

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society