Yes, the man braids are a gift from Mother Earth!
By Luca Boyega, SFU Student
The man braid has come into contact with a lot of bogus negativity over the last couple months. And these indiscretions cannot be allowed to stand any further, man. As a strong supporter of the man braid and all that it stands for, I have decided break my pact against aggressive and hostile negotiation to say my peace. I am extinguishing my doob of Maui’s finest green to make a stand against the unsettling attack on Mother Earth’s gift to the world of haircuts.
So this message goes out to all you haters: Back off, bros, because the man braid is here to stay. And we’re willing to take this fight as far as it needs to go non-violently to see it through.
Why you got to be uncouth about it, man? Our hair isn’t hurting anybody. If anything, it’s breaking down barriers, dude. It’s dissolving the gender binaries set up by the corporate pigs. It bringing about true change in this corrupt and damaged world we live in.
So, when you really think about it, the man braid is a message of peace and justice promoting a new way for the world to come together. It’s revolution in the way we live our lives, man. And we need to preserve that at all cost. Because if we don’t, who will?
People need to release themselves of this most heinous hostility riddling their life force and just hug it out with their internal conflicts. Man braids are love. Man braids are life.
Besides, chicks totally dig them, man. And who knows? Maybe you’ll get, like, lucky if you have one, too.
No, bring back the mullet instead!
By Chaz Goodman, SFU Alum
What in the hell is this world coming to? It took all my humanly energy not to put a fist through my computer when grown men started putting their hair in buns. And now — goddammit, I’m in the market for a new computer screen and on the way to emergency for a bleeding set of knuckles.
Who do these hipsters think they are exactly? Mythical centaurs? Jedi-in-training? Mermen? Well, I’ll tell you exactly what they are. They’re twits with too much bloody time on their hands who believe themselves to be God’s gift to fashion.
If you ask me, I think it’s just a cry for attention. There’s nothing sexy about it whatsoever and it comes off more than a touch insecure in my eyes. It doesn’t matter if Daisy Beckham or that Harriet Styles are repping the newfound “dew” either; they ought to be ashamed of themselves for tricking their fans into thinking it’s “swank.”
You see, it’s things like this that make me miss the mullet. Now, that was a hairstyle worth emulating. A short uniform hair cut at the top with long greasy strands of hair swaying majestically to the back. Business in the front and party in the back — aah, what a time that was to be alive!
Say what you will, but if it worked for Patrick Swayze and Joe Dirt, it sure the hell should be good enough for the rest of us. It was sexy then and it can be sexy again! This generation just has come to its senses and give it another chance.
However, if that seems like a sacrilegious option for those French-braided buffoons, I’d suggest they shave their butts and learn to handstand, because even that would be a significant improvement from the moronic, soul-suckling, brain stupefying wretch of a travesty that is the man braid.
