It’s no secret that the hunt for parking at any one of the SFU campuses can be nothing short of an insufferable punishment. Alas, if the agonizing search for adequate car stalls were not brutal enough, coveted parking spots have now lead to a steep rise in brutal street fights between students.
Amidst the growing surge of parking spot combatants, one student in particular has risen to superstar status among the rest: Japanese international student Ryu Hoshi, a third-year business major who has become noted for his fighting skills in order to capture a spot for his sleek Mercedes Benz SLK.
The Peak had the opportunity to Skype with Hoshi, who offered insight into the mentality of the parkade wars and its necessity in this increasingly competitive world.
“You must see every student as a foe. We have paid hefty tuitions and if we are to capitalize — we must fight. In the hallway, in the classroom, and yes, even the parking lots. ”
To investigate further, The Peak followed Hoshi on his daily route to the Burnaby campus to observe the street fights firsthand.
Arriving in the lot at around 8:00 a.m., there seemed to be no trouble in sight. As we inched ever closer to a parking spot, Ryu muttered: “wait for it.” Out of nowhere, a Honda Civic dashed towards the vehicle and Ryu halted the car. Ryu, with complete sternness stated: “Stay in the car. This will be over quick.”
On the scene, The Peak witnessed a violent brawl involving sophisticated martial arts techniques. After a series of powerful punches and kicks, and a cry of “Shoryuken,” Ryu’s opponent laid defeated.
Battered, bruised, and bloodied, Ryu came back to the car and pulled into the spot. “That was my opponent, Ken,” he said. “We’ll be back at it soon enough.”
The underground street fighting scene over parking spots has gone unchecked for many years and is only now beginning to lead to noticeable consequences. Medical bills for students driving to school are double of those taking public transit. Academic withdrawals from injuries caused by these parking lot brawls have also spiked.
With the school seemingly in crisis, the situation has put SFU President Andrew Petter in the hot seat.
In a controversial proposal, Petter said, “Can’t we just do a fight club thing? Like the Brad Pitt movie. We could have like nurses and stuff to cover injuries.” Needless to say the comment was booed down for its unhelpful nature.
With the parking wars still raging, administration has advised students to leave their vehicles at home and use their compass cards for transiting instead.
If students are still adamant about driving to campus, they are urged to brush up on ’80s action movies to maintain their offensive repertoire.
