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A Beginner’s Guide Bus Etiquette

Humour
EIC
EIC
1 min.
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Think hygiene

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There’s nothing worse than a man who smells like he hasn’t showered in a week, and you certainly don’t want to be that guy. Clearly, the only solution is dousing yourself in a whole can of AXE or whatever overly strong cologne or perfume you wear.

NOTE: Sneezes and watery eyes are signs of appreciation. “I’m allergic” is transit speak for, “Man, you smell real good.”

Sharing is caring

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Unfortunately, a lot of people forget to bring their music playing devices. If you happen to bring your iPod, why should you hog all your music to yourself? Instead, share it with the other passengers by blaring it as loudly as possible. Perhaps even sing along at the top of your lungs for the added enjoyment of other passengers.

NOTE: Consider the musical attitudes of others as well, pick music that everyone is likely to enjoy such as profanity laced rap that is heavy in racial slurs and discusses the defiling of one’s mother.

Don’t discriminate

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If you’re like me, you probably hate being singled out. So why would you single out perhaps our most vulnerable citizens — the elderly? Next time you’re sitting at the front and you see an elderly person standing, resist your urge to offer them your seat. Instead, help them re-experience the joys of youth by ignoring them and letting them stand for the whole 30 minute bus ride.

NOTE: A smartphone with lots of pointless apps is optimum for ignoring people. However, a single, featureless screen to stare at for the entirety of the trip signals your commitment to ignoring them.

Help those in need

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You have a duty to help your fellow man, so it’s only fitting that you, the only man to foresee judgement day, must do everything in your power to save the souls of your fellow passengers. Yell at them to repent, tell them they will burn in Hell, yell at their children, commandeer the bus — do whatever you must do.

NOTE: A good, catchy sign would probably be good as well so those who are hearing impaired can be saved too.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society