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Man awoken from 30-year coma most amazed by Chocolate Lucky Charms

Humour
EIC
EIC
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VANCOUVER — After spending the past 30 years of his life in a coma, a local man has gotten the opportunity to witness the future, but the only development that has impressed him thus far is a chocolate version of his favorite cereal.

According to doctors at Mount Saint Joseph Hospital, Timothy Smith had been comatose since 1984 after suffering a stroke when he was just 12 years old, and was only awoken last week.

“We didn’t think that there was any chance he would actually survive,” explained Saint Joseph’s head practitioner, Dr. Bill Truman. “He’s been given an amazing opportunity to literally jump into the future but he’s not reacting like we thought he would.”

According to Truman, the now 42-year old Smith’s first request upon waking up was to eat breakfast and he almost went into shock due to the cereal that was brought to him.

“He started yelling and screaming incredulously when we put the box down in front of him,” Truman recalled. “We thought, wow, if he’s that excited by a chocolate version of a cereal he’s going to be in for a lot of surprises.”

Weirdly, however, that moment is still the pinnacle of Smith’s excitement about the modern world.

“We brought in iPhones, laptops, the Star Wars prequels . . . all of our greatest technological achievements, but nothing seemed to phase him,” Truman said, shaking his head. “He just shrugged them off and went back to staring at his cereal in amazement.”

“At one point I did catch him marveling at an iPad but it turned out that was only because he had figured out how to get to the Chocolate Lucky Charms website.”

While doctors and researchers alike have been unable to explain Smith’s bizarre attitude, Smith thinks it’s quite simple.

“They used to just have regular Lucky Charms from what I can remember,” Smith stated casually. “There were chocolate cereals, sure, but Lucky Charms were always just toasted oat pieces and marshmallows so naturally this development is incredible to me.”

“Everyone wants me to be blown away by this Internet thing but come on, it’s just a global system of interconnected computer networks that serves several billion users worldwide . . . I can’t even eat that!”

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society