VANCOUVER — In a misguided attempt at empathy, a local man was arrested by police yesterday after a lengthy chase in his neighbour’s Converse All-Star.
According to inside sources, the incident is believed to be the result of an argument that accused robber, Chris Patterson, and his neighbour, Tom Sanders, had over two weeks prior. The argument was concerning the victim’s refusal to donate money to Patterson’s daughter’s softball team fundraiser.
“I remember hearing a lot of raised voices, and an unusual amount of idioms for that hour,” spoke Gladys Brown, a retiree who lives across the road from the men and who overheard the 10:00 a.m. conversation believed to have set off the robbery.
“Now, I don’t remember all the details of why the man wasn’t willing to give even a dollar to the AAA Vancouver Titans . . . but I recall that a shoe walking invitation was presented at that time.”
Family members of the victim, Tom Sanders, have stated that their relative has been recently transitioning in between jobs and is in the process of a nasty divorce, but that Patterson had refused to be understanding.
“He really just didn’t have the money to spend on something like that,” explained Sanders’ mother “his mortgage was being foreclosed on him, he was about to lose his kids . . . no one in his situation would’ve thought they had to give up their hard earned money for some stupid kid’s sports fundraiser!”
After several minutes of Patterson’s incredulousness that Sanders was the only person on the block who wouldn’t give even a dime and that there couldn’t possibly be any more important way to spend that money, the victim is believed to have asked him if he would consider ‘walking a mile in his shoes,’ although it is unclear whether that question was rhetorical or not.
Despite most residents of the neighbourhood believing that this would be as far as the situation would escalate, Patterson spent the next two weeks reflecting and planning his empathetic heist.
Then, at 6:00 a.m. on Sunday morning, using a believed-to-be-impenetrable fake-rock key holder, Patterson stole Sanders red and white Converse’s and proceeded to briskly walk down the street.
Woken up by the sound of his alarm, Sanders quickly became aware of the crime and ran to stop Patterson but, without shoes, was unable to make it further than his front porch and was forced to call the police.
A nearly 15 minute pursuit between the police and Patterson then ensued, not because they were unable to catch a man on a leisurely walk up the street, but because they couldn’t figure out what “crime” they were witnessing.
Although Patterson would be taken back to the police station, he was promptly bailed out and has said he takes full responsibility for his actions and has grown to have a greater understanding of the world as a result of the whole affair.
When asked about the shoes on the other hand, Patterson simply stated that the pair of Converse shoes were “really comfortable and had good traction for a mile-long walk” and that he “still doesn’t understand what the fuck Sanders was complaining about.”
