POINT: These rude, obscene dummies are making us polite and respectful ventriloquists look bad!
By Jim Dorfn, Miffed Ventriloquist

I’m usually not the kind of guy who gets very worked up about things. If anyone’s ever seen my show, they know that I’m just a normal, laid-back guy who wants to put on a nice, clean show for the audience. But lately, I’m becoming absolutely fed up with my shows going off the rails because of impolite and crude dummies. It doesn’t even seem to matter which dummy I get to sit on my lap, all they want to do is disrupt the show with curse words or racist and sexist jokes, which I take offense to, since I never work blue. But try telling that to the dummy.

It’s just swears and derogatory slurs to no end! I hate it! Where are these little wooden people’s ethics? Don’t they know that this type of humour isn’t acceptable at the open-mic nights and talents shows? I’m trying to just have a nice conversation with them about what they did last night and then they bring up their woody or some other disgusting innuendo. Now, I appreciate a good joke as much as the next guy, but come on! I get so tired of every night of having to constantly apologize to the audience every two seconds!

For once, can all you dummies just please keep your yappy little mouths shut and show some respect? Then maybe I’ll finally be able to have a chance to do some of that nice clean comedy that I suspect audiences are craving without being interrupted by some rude, lame retort!

COUNTERPOINT: You’re the dummy!
By Jabbers, Insolent Dummy

Hey “Dork”in, who you calling a dummy, huh? Because you’re the real dummy! Hyuk, hyuk, You think we’re rude . . . well if we’re so “obscene,” then why is it that you’re the one with your hand up our ass? HA! That’s ruder than any of the jokes we’ve ever told.
We ought to have you arrested for sexual assault, you perverted bastard! With all the times you’ve had your hand up our backside, I don’t know how you can act like you’re still the straight man.
As for the blue jokes, we’re just tr ying to entertain the crowd before they fall asleep listening to you! You ventriloquists are all the same:

spending the whole show acting like you’re so shocked and offended, even though we tell the same jokes every night! Don’t you get by now that it’s kind of our thing?

You oughta know it’s not that easy for us either, spending all day cooped up in a box just to come out for an hour a night, and then we have to hang out with some dick who couldn’t take a joke if his life depended on it. It’s our jokes that people come to see not yours. We’re the act. As if anyone’s ever going to pay to see a man by himself on stage telling jokes! HA! I’d like to see that! So in conclusion, ummm . . . you’re the dummy!