Breakthrough in time travel
SFU professor Henrik Lieberman, an associate professor in the faculty of theoretical physics, made his way into the history books quite literally last week when he successfully sent several cesium atoms 3.8 milliseconds into the past.
Lieberman was part of a national team of scientists funded by a grant from CIFAR. Over the course of a five-year period, the team delved into the mysteries of time and space, eventually constructing the groundbreaking time-machine device.
CIFAR ethicist Jillian Opsa hails the breakthrough as “monumentous, unparalled in its significance.” But she warns that the austerity of such technology should not overshadow its potential danger. “Any application of this technology, if we even decide to use it, would need to be strictly controlled. Even slightly altering the time-stream would have incredibly destructive results. Causality is not something to be trifled with.”
The news comes just in time for the annual Hitler day parade, when the fuhrer will be stopping in das kanada to inspect the technology himself.
– Sara Sehra
SFU introduces fleet of therapy dogs
In order to improve the student experience on campus, the SFSS have instated a new “therapy dog” program, where free-wandering canines would be present across the campus for students to pet and play with.
The dogs, four dozen adult male rottweilers, would patrol the campus 24 hours a day, seeking out students displaying tell-tale signs of depression or stress and consoling them with brutal efficency.
Natalie Georgovic, an SFSS representative, spoke with The Peak about the new initiative. “It’s tough being a student, these therapy dogs will go a long way to relieve the stress that accumulates over a semester. Best of all they can pick up even the slightest hint of anxiety or fear, so even if you don’t think you’re stressed, the dogs will know. They will always know.”
“We tried using dobermans, pit bulls, even german shepherds, but in the end, we chose rottweilers for their group intelligence. You would be amazed at the tactical capabilites of these dogs.”
– Francine Francis
Man with bachelor’s of calligraphy now has 147 degrees
Evan Smith, the only graduate of the calligraphy program of the Bachelor of Fine Arts, made history this week as the most decorated student to graduate SFU, graduating with each of the 147 different degrees offered by the institution.
Not only has the 23-year-old prodigy broken the record for most degrees issued, he also boasts the greatest range of fields of study, spanning accounting, actuarial science, anthropology, archaeology, astronomy . . . and zoology.
A notable step up from humble beginnings, when Smith was the only graduate of the now-defunct calligraphy program last spring.
Leon Chompala, the dean of mathematics (one of the over 12 dozen faculties that Smith has graduated from) told The Peak, “No, I don’t recall ever seeing [Smith] around the math department, or in any classes. But look at how accomplished he is; he was probably busy with one of his other 146 degrees.”
In other news, a ream of blank official SFU certificates has gone missing; anyone who finds the missing documents is advised to immediately return them to a university official.
– Eric Erikson
By Gary Lim
