Handshakes
By Gary Lim

I absolutely despise handshakes. I mean it’s 2012 people, why do we still insist on greeting one another by awkwardly flailing our upper appendages at one another?

Apparently it’s a gentlemanly show of respect, but let me ask you something, how gentlemanly is it for people who’ve never even met to begin contact by groping one another’s hands? I mean you don’t even know where their hands have been. The other person could’ve just finished god knows what and now they standing there, hand reaching out ready to wrap their fingers around your hand like some kind of fleshy straightjacket.

Not to mention the crushing number of social dictates you have to keep in mind.  How many pumps? How hard do I clench? Is it supposed to be this sweaty? No seriously, is it supposed to be this sweaty? God it’s like prom night all over again.

Printers
By Janice Turnblad

No, no you asshole. Just print, that’s what you do right? You’re a print-er, as in a machine that prints things. You’ve been making the “I’m printing something” noise for 10 minutes now, but I have as of yet come out of you.

Also if you flash that “PC LOAD TRAY EMPTY” one more time . . .  Empty? Empty?! I’ve practically loaded the entire pacific rainforest in there; and don’t even think about “TONER LOW.” I’ve changed cartridge six times this month. How do you even use that much toner? I print 10, maybe 15 pages of notes a week.

So help me god printer,  I will find a way to travel back in time and I will murder Johannes Gutenberg, father of the modern printing press. I don’t even care about the effects on the future. Do you hear me printer? I will FUCK. YOU. UP.

Oh, so now you’re printing. That’s right, you know who’s boss. Double-sided!? You son of a bitch.