By: Mason Mattu, Conservative Strategist
INTERNAL DOCUMENT — FOR THE EYES OF STAFFERS ONLY
Thanks for agreeing to phonebank with the BC Conservative Party. After what we dub a silly summer of leadership changes and casual chaos, we want to convey to our voters that the party is BACK and ready to lead the province! Our opponents call our policies “milquetoast,” “intentionally vague,” and having “dangerously misleading wording.” Rubbish. We like to see our policy book as being ideologically flexible.
In order to achieve the ability to govern, and because of the misinformation other parties are spreading about our policies, we must be creative with how we approach conversations with voters. According to polling, 90% of voters are confused as to what exactly we stand for. They’re so misinformed it’s not even funny. Stop asking us where we’ll get revenue if we cut all taxes!!! Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ. We seek to keep our base engaged with our usual patriotic messaging, and tease those who are uninformed with our “creative” policy. We’re banking on the average joe not doing their homework and remaining uninformed, so what we say in our phone call matters.
Start the conversation off by confusing the voter so they don’t immediately hang up the phone. Do not identify your allegiance right off the bat.
Hello, dear voter. Might I inquire as to whether you are placing a paper ballot within a strange box in the upcoming provincial election?
If the voter is perplexed, this is a good thing. Now it’s time to do your magic. Ask them some easy questions to get the ball rolling.
So, sir. Do you like sunshine? Do you enjoy long walks by the beach? Do you hate how immigrants are stealing our jobs? Do you think that residential schools are a scam made up by immigrants who are leaking chemtrails over our schools?
Then, hang up. This step is important. In precisely two hours, call back from the same number and say that your wife went into labour. You’re a good family man after all. Now it’s time to communicate policy from another party.
You know, sir? I hate how much the racialized (cough so it sounds like you’re saying rich) are stealing from our communities. We need someone who is going to fight for the working class, you know?
At this point, the voter’s baited. Slowly reel them in by continuing to lie. But don’t lie too much about our policy — because some of them might be smart enough to Google it.
You want to know more about our policy to tackle wealth inequality? Well, sir, Ronald Reagan (but muffle your voice so it sounds like “Tommy Douglas”) gave us an excellent framework for that. I think I’m losing you! Can you move to a better location?
After they move to a better location, ask another casual question before they ask you to reply to the last one. Remember — our policy platform is extremely vague. Do not let them inquire more.
Don’t you miss when McDonald’s dining rooms used to be 24 hours? Those were the good old days. That’s what our leader is running to bring back! Just think of how much easier it was to get what you want when you want it.
If they ask you what party you’re calling from, say . . .
I’m with the Progressive Conservative Party! Yes, we are indeed progressive. If you see the “progressive” missing on your ballot, it was probably a printing error. We believe in fiscal responsibility and social e-quality.
We’ve been creative with our words thus far, but saying the word “equality” can be polarizing for our base and very hard to say. A good trick is to pronounce the “e” separately from quality — this is how we’ve been making our lives easier. But remember, as difficult as it is to speak about the “e” word, you’re doing this for the good of society! Our conservative social policy would help make sure everyone lives the life they’re supposed to live (back in the good old days)! Just . . . don’t tell the part in brackets to voters. At this point in your conversation, direct any further questions to your . . . (pretend you’ve lost the call again and hang up the phone call before they ask any more questions).
