The ultimate adulting is caring for a plant — and I don’t mean a fake fern to fill up space and contribute to the ambiance of your grown-up décor. This isn’t amateur hour . . . Plants make you seem like your life’s all put together whether you’re in your own place, or you’re still cramped in your parents’ basement. This new chapter of your life automatically grants permission for the most affluent, garden-growing extraordinaire you know (cough, cough, your mom) to give you your first precious plant child. Congratulations, it’s a succulent!
Supposedly, succulent babies are easier to take care of, but I beg to differ. One minute it’s absolutely flourishing and you’re sitting in your one-plant garden oasis thinking, “hot damn, I’m a plant parent goddess, and I know my plant shit!” And by shit, you mean soil. While you ride your high horse into the garden, you suddenly find yourself discussing different types of soil and buying cute pots to plant, replant, and transplant. Wait, isn’t it all the same? Do you really know the different soils after all? Um, no. Before you know it, your firstborn succulent is withering away to pieces as its poor, little leaves crumble to the floor. Sound familiar? Succulent babies are just like raising a child, except they don’t cry out in the middle of the night. Instead, they grow into your worst moody teenage nightmare.
I named my succulent Little Succs, because he sucks at sucking up water to keep him alive. I’ve tried, I really have. I’ve given him light, space to grow, and water — but let’s not talk about the fact that I sometimes neglect him. Shh, I don’t want to be in the plant parent bad books. I’ve already had to have the sex talk with him since he seems to want to reproduce . . . miraculously, on his own. Don’t even get me started on how much he begs me for a haircut when he sheds his little succulent leaves every time I check in on him. Look, it’s as strenuous for me, as it is for him, OK? I know I’m not exactly going to win plant parent of the year, but I still love my Little Succs and will do everything to keep him alive . . . including returning him to my mom to take full-time guardianship.
