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The Curve God listens

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Peak Web
Peak Web
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Illustrated by Alice Zhang

Written by: Zoe Vedova

Everyone knows how the manifesto of the Curve God starts:

THE CURVE GOD LOVES YOU!
BUT ARE YOU PREPARED TO LOVE HIM BACK?
SACRIFICE TO THE CURVE GOD AND THE CURVE GOD WILL SACRIFICE FOR YOU.

RIDE ON THE WINGS OF ACADEMIC MEDIOCRITY;
SLIGHTLY BETTER THAN AVERAGE WILL SECURE YOU A SPOT IN MIDDLE-MANAGEMENT HEAVEN.

October has commenced, and without fail, its insidious propaganda of aestheticized coffee mugs and overly saturated deciduous foliage have suffocated our collective conscious like an infinity scarf cinched too tight.

The real enemy remained concealed in our syllabuses, biding its time before deploying into calendars all across the Lower Mainland, shattering the regularly scheduled programming of our lives in a blitzkrieg of campus-wide suffering – midterms.

Before you scramble for your half-assed lecture notes and panic incinerates your medial temporal lobe, turn your last viable brain cell to the singular source of hope you have left.
If you’re committed to preventing your GPA from crumbling into the seas of academic probation, send up a prayer to the Curve God, and pray he replies.

SFU’s own deity of rock-bottom exam success is an indifferent observer of student strife. Calling on the Curve God to carry you above class average requires more effort than every ounce of participation you’ve ever scrapped together for tutorial.

To save your own grade, you must relinquish something that proves your desperation – if your sacrifice is disingenuous, you’ll face an educational reckoning akin to no other.
Thematically appropriate punishments include but are not limited to: Wi-Fi never again connecting to your laptop, your phone playing your favourite song from grade eight out loud in lecture every week, never receiving an enrolment date for next semester, etc.

Unfortunately, the Curve God is notoriously finicky about what constitutes a good sacrifice. However, there are some fail-safe classics that are sure to save a demoralized studier.

  • Steal the titanium-tipped gel pen of the best student in your class.
    If the Curve God accepts, you will have traded your grade for theirs, dooming them to whatever fate may have befallen you.
  • Convince your TA they’re possessed by a ghost of a grad student and they personally have never had an original thought about their dissertation. Not sure why the Curve God loves watching this, but it works.

Dig around in the pocket of your soul for some loose morality to toss into the koi pond. The ink may never wash from your hands, bags under your eyes may drag you towards the grave, and the shame of sending your TA spiraling into an existential crisis will haunt you, but we all know how the manifesto ends: ATTAIN NOW AND ATONE LATER
THE CURVE GOD LOVES YOU.

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society