Post-secondary academics suck your wallet dry and flood your calendar with to-dos. But if you can make some time in your busy life to cultivate your gold-digging talents, you’ll be free of these earthly constraints. Here’s how to become a master!

Identifying your target

Like in 18th century France, clear markers divide SFU’s filthy rich and dirt poor. Let those signs determine who you get filthy with!

A limousine in the parkade is cause for investigation. A candidate who always looks well-rested clearly doesn’t pull all-nighters finishing papers; they earn As from TAs with their parents’ hard-earned C-A-S-H. If he looks like a milk-white prune, it’s a sign that he can afford to pay tuition for kicks, and Western society generously rewards having connections to elderly rich white men.

For a long-term investment, risk getting frisky with a starving med student! In 10 years, he’ll be rich, you’ll be next-of-kin, and your time with him will have taught you his testicles’ worth on the black market.

Luring them into your deep waters

Seduction’s surprisingly simple. With the confidence boost that comes from needing no real emotional attachment, you’ll obliterate hearts and bank accounts alike.

Don’t be scared to say hello. When they don’t recognize you, dispel awkwardness by reminding them of your name, your address, and their address; people love good listeners, and listening doesn’t get better than wiretapping calls to Panago.

Now, make conversation! Don’t ask about their job (they might be old money). Provide opportunities for them to talk about their possessions constantly, and discuss classes — it’s a great way to drop hints that you plan to use your English degree to become a trophy spouse.

Joining them in holy matri-money

Let’s capitalize on your chance to reinvent your relationship with capitalism. That means finalizing your relationship with your local money sink!

In tutorial (because if they’re still not devoted enough to coordinate their entire course schedule with yours, you’re not ready for this), ask your TA loudly and regularly about when your “term paper . . . proposal . . .” is due. Whenever you make eye contact, begin gently suckling a Ring Pop.

If all else fails, you’ll be in a common-law marriage after two years living together. Literally just move into their home — if they still haven’t caught onto your scheme, they’re not observant enough to notice or care about the extra freeloader; at least, not until you find their credit card number.