5 Old Technologies You Should Be Using

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typerwriter

Typewriters. If you’ve never used a typewriter before, you might be surprised by how much work you’ll end up doing before you even get to the writing part. You have to physically slide the paper into the machine, measure out the margins and, in some cases, manually replace an ink ribbon. This thing makes noise, too — each key has to be pressed down with enough force to make an imprint on the page, and there’s no such thing as a delete key. However, what these machines lack in practicality, they make up in style — unlike your average laptop, typewriters double as decoration, and add an old fashioned flair to your dorm room or apartment building. Anyway, is there any better way to make typing masculine than to press metal keys onto paper with your own strength? Ernest Hemingway, John Steinbeck and Hunter S. Thompson all wrote on these babies, and chances are they’re more rugged than you’ll ever be.

pocket

 

Pocket watches. There’s no better way to look suave when telling someone the time than to pull out a pocket watch from your waistcoat pocket — and though you may not have a waistcoat, buying an old school pocket watch is a good first step. Durable, finely crafted and impeccably designed, pocket watches ooze old school charm. They’ve been around since the 1400s, so you know they’re made to last — not to mention they free up your wrists, giving you more opportunities to show off your skin when you’re wrestling bears, paddling boats, or playing poker. Recommended: Find a model with a cover to protect the clock’s face. You can even keep a personal photo or engraved message in there.

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Film cameras. Whether you’re a family man or a bachelor, taking pictures to commemorate the events in your life can be one of the most gentlemanly and constructive projects you can undertake. We recommend that you leave the digital camera at home and invest in a sturdy analogue model — there’s something in the tangible quality of a film image, and the patience required to develop one, that builds character, discipline, and class. Look for one that’s relatively easy to use and in good condition. You’ll be surprised how bringing an old-fashioned camera can make any occasion seem like an adventure — whether it’s your three-year-old’s birthday party or a walk in the park with your better half, a snapshot or two can add a touch of class to any situation.

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Turntables. Listen to the cracks and pops of an old school jazz record with a double malted scotch in your hand and tell me you don’t feel at least 100 per cent manlier. Vinyl is making a comeback: its sales have gone up each year for the past half decade, turning record stores back into the cultural hot spots they once were. Buying yourself a new turntable (or dusting off your old one) won’t only put you at the cutting edge of an emerging trend — it’ll also gain you significant class points and make your old boombox look positively infantile. Plus, it doesn’t hurt as an excuse to invite someone home and, ahem, “listen to records” together. Hey, it worked for your grandfather.

NES. Now I’m not saying the  Nintendo Entertainment System is quite as old as the other items on this list, but it’s certainly as rare — these puppies fetch up to 100 bucks in used game shops, and that’s without the controllers (if you can find them). It’s a shame that they’re so pricey, because nothing puts hair on your chest like beating a game designed in the 1980s. They just don’t make ‘em like they used to. Take Super Mario Bros. 3 for example: not only is it one of the toughest platformers ever made, you’re not even allowed to save the game. Seriously. The accomplishment and manly pride felt when beating anything designed for this system will make your Xbox 360 gather dust — if you’re going to play video games, there’s no classier way to do it.

1 COMMENT

  1. Super Mario 3 was released on the original Nintendo Entertainment System, not the Super Nintendo. Also, the Super Nintendo wasn’t even released until 1991 in North America. I know this article is supposed to be a joke, but you could at least take ten seconds to check the Wikipedia page.

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