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Dear Doctor Bryce!

Humour
Peak Web
Peak Web
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Is it okay to drink Palm Bay at times that are not during the day?

Sincerely,
Palm Bay Shame

Dear PBS,

You appended to your query a YouTube video of white people being assholes in a pool and rapping clumsily about how it’s fine to drink Palm Bay during the daytime, but not after 4 p.m. because that’s “gay.” If you feel these people are acceptable drinking role models — as opposed to Ernest Hemingway, Billie Holiday, or your “fun uncle” who drives a Camaro — then do whatever you want. Stick a 151-soaked tampon up your ass, for all I care.

But for those who are serious about drinking in the daytime, I offer the following guidance. The problem with drinks like Palm Bay is that their sugar content is similar to Coca-Cola or beer. Drinking a six-pack of these party pops before lunch will leave you crashing by midafternoon.
Not everyone who needs alcohol to face life’s incomprehensible cruelties can spend all day on a bench in the park. Some of us have an image
to maintain, pay cheques to earn or kids to look after. Liberal doses of water (one cup water per ounce hard bar) and coffee (as much as necessary) will keep you humming during the daylight hours. Carry antacids with you to fight the inevitable reflux that will develop as a result of this method.

Shots of hard bar are a traditional means of keeping your hands steady until happy hour. A bar veteran I once knew recommended stashing a fifth of Stoli in the freezer as a refreshing pre-breakfast cure for the shakes. Vodka is also famously scentless and easy to conceal, although it does not completely lack odour. Any hard liquor will do as long as you can keep it hidden from your boss, spouse, etc. Consider investing in a flask. Fisherman’s Friends work better than breath mints or gum
to cover the smell.

Dilute the hard stuff with mixers if you must, but make sure the liquids complement each other. Brown liquors work well with cola, Sprite or iced tea. They can also be mixed into hot drinks. Stick to diet soda to avoid the aforementioned sugar slump. Vodka or gin plus water in a Nalgene bottle lets you carry Dutch courage wherever life takes you — even to the gym.

Maintaining hard liquor discipline during the morning and afternoon will keep the world in soft focus without sacrificing your energy levels
and alertness. Once your daily duties are dispatched and you’re settling down in your favourite haunt, feel free to tuck into high-calorie fare like beer and wine. Enjoy — you’ve earned it.

In accordance with by-law C-36: The Peak is legally required to inform you Doctor Bruce is not a doctor.

By Bryce Warnes
With files from the Ubyssey

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Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society