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News Beat: May 21st

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Facebook terrorist cell hi-jacks profile page

At approximately 1300 hours this afternoon, the sovereign state of one Annie Helgusson’s profile page was viciously and ruthlessly attacked by a rogue cell of Facebook terrorists.

The attack occurred on the outskirts of the Grandview Mall, in the Apple Store district. The extremists were able to access the page after Helgusson failed to log out of a display computer after posting a status update.

Mark Chen, an Apple Store employee and eyewitness, retells the horrifying events.

“They rolled in like sharks smelling blood on the water. It was a slaughter. Fake status updates. They made her like every Nickelback fan page. All 27 of them. They even changed her profile picture. Her profile picture for god’s sakes.”

These events echo other senseless acts of e-violence from the past, including the MySpace Massacre and the #PanAm140.

– Allie Albertson

 

Sunglasses co-opted as chest decoration

Move over, backwards baseball caps and triple-popped polos, there’s a new douchebag accessory that’s sweeping the nation’s tanning salons and gyms at 10:30 in the morning.

Straight from the runways of Jersey beaches, the “sunglasses hanging between your enormous pecs” is the must have look this season since being debuted by prominent douchebag fashion designer Edward Hardy.

Chas Powers, a prominent fashion brah-gger posts about the new look. “Look dog, this shit is tight. These shades right here? Ray-Bans. You gotta spend money to make money, ye-yah. But you put these on your face, you’ll never see them. But right here? Boom. Hanging from the front of this Hardy, like the bitches gonna be hanging off me.”

This craze has sent shockwaves through the douchebag fashion community, the likes of which haven’t been seen since the invention of the double V-neck.

– Bill Bellingham

 

New study shows that dolphin ‘most evil animals’

A new study published by Vatican scientists shocked the world last week, as it was discovered the dolphin is the most evil animal.

Rosa Bianchi, director of the study told The Peak, “We were able to determine how evil an animal was by placing it in a small cage with a human baby. Babies are notorious for their ability to sense the intrinsic good or evil of an animal. We went through a lot of babies.”

“The babies showed the most adverse reaction to the dolphin, more than rats, black widows, king cobras or even mosquitoes. Further study confirms this, showing that dolphins are known to engage in rape and murder for pleasure. No, seriously, go look it up, this part isn’t a joke.

Humans were a notable exclusion from the experiment, “for the same reason you don’t bring Wayne Gretzky to your neighbourhood street hockey.”

– Carl Carlweather

 
By Gary Lim

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© The Peak Publications Society

Simon Fraser University’s independent student newspaper since 1965.

For advertising inquiries: [email protected]
For promotional inquiries: [email protected]

© The Peak Publications Society