Instagram live video begins.
Influencer Queen: Oh my god, you guys, MTV, like, totally just flew me out to watch their Video Music Awards! Before you ask, yes, everyone does look the same as on TV . . . who knew! I don’t know how celebrities achieve that blurring effect on their faces IRL. #NeedThatSkincareRoutine. Anyway, you girlies already know from watching my “Draw My Life” video on TikTok that this moment has, like, literally been a dream of mine since I watched Miley Cyrus’ 2013 performance of “We Can’t Stop.” That was a whole two days ago. The way she stuck her tongue out and gyrated on that stage — she was Karlie Kloss in the flesh, looking camp right in the eye.
2 hours of rustling around on livestream passes.
Influencer Queen: Girlies, I am, like, literally on the red carpet as we speak interviewing everyone’s favourite celebs! #It’sSoEasyBeingMe. I am happy to report that the celebrities are giving EVERYTHING this year. Sabrina Carpenter just walked by and she looks three pixels tall! I’m dying, isn’t she the coolest?! #BabyBrina. The red carpet is, like, literally so soft it feels exactly like the carpet under my couch! Except mine is couture (obvi!) and designed by an underground Swedish furniture retailer you girlies probably can’t even pronounce: IKEA. #ReadyForMyEuroSummer
OMG, Tay Tay just walked by, I like, need to speak to her. She totally forgot to invite me to her wedding! But that’s alright. I forgive you queen! . . . ummm, OK guys, I don’t know why she isn’t responding; she just keeps smiling and posing for pictures, like, does she not know who I am? I was her wedding photographer. I also went viral on TikTok doing the Hailey Bieber “eat your lip gloss” trend. I need to interview someone who is less famous than me and Taylor Swift — “Oh, Madonna! I hear you might sweep tonight; how does that make you feel? . . . Hello? Do I need to strike a pose to get your attention?” Girlies, I am, like, literally so confused right now! Please don’t #CancelMe for this, but do her hearing aids work? I’m literally sitting — I mean standing — right in front of her! It’s almost like there’s a great divide between the two of us! #CancelTheVMAsNotMe. Anyways, the paparazzi are, like, literally so obsessed with me, you guys; they keep flashing their cameras, screaming “Beyoncé!” “Charli xcx!” Like please everyone, I’m flattered, but I’m obviously so much prettier and talented than them! #StayHumble
Wait, what’s going on now? Everything just went black. OMG, girlies, I think Madonna’s team kidnapped me and put a bag over my head because I, like, literally can’t see anything!!! I’m sorry, mother!! I repent!! I didn’t mean what I said . . . oh, wait, the blackness is being lifted as if a camera was panning towards a stage. Am I levitating right now?
OMG, girlies, I think Madonna’s team kidnapped me, hung me up in the air, and are making me watch her perform her hit single “Bring Your Love!!!” Plus, they are whipping me around the room and my angles are changing every minute!! Why isn’t anyone hearing my cries for help????
A voice from the exterior: Honey, I reheated your nachos —
Influencer Queen: OMG and they’re totally trying to scam me!!! Why would my mom be in attendance at the hottest event of the fall? MADONNA! I’m sorry for the hearing aid comment, but please let me go; my fans need my content, and I need my ad revenue!” #SoNotCool #FreeMadonnaConcertThough #MadonnaIsMother
