As a CEO for a major AI company, CloseAI, I know a thing or two about the future. I work 312 times as hard as everyone else, not including my stock options.
Look — let me be real for a second — AI has already made an impact on reshaping society. It’s revolutionized the internet! It changed our education system! It’s a whole new economy that works for the money (which helps produce trickle-down effects for the many)!
Despite this, some of our current and former employees are a little concerned. They say it’s a maybe one in 10 (or higher chance) it dooms us all. So — if my one million dollar bet on Polymarket pays off — that’s 10 million big ones!
Look — let me be real for a second. AI — it kinda gets a bad rep. Supposedly it’s “bad for the environment.” Allegedly, it “causes violence and harm against children.” Some whine that it “plagiarizes academics.” Maybe it “makes things up with bias.” Wah wah wah — it’s “associated with memory loss and poorer academic performance.” It’s important to fact check your information before passively receiving it. According to LapPPT — our newest and superior model — these statements are “incredibly misleading.” There’s always another way to look at things.
They say that our data centres are bad for the environment, but do they know that we’re boosting clean power? Helping kids feel less lonely? Helping our healthcare workers with their jobs? Boosting student grades? Keeping psychiatrists and counselors employed? Sure, we’re gambling with the global financial system, but do they know that betting is no fun unless the stakes are high?
Have you seen what humans have done to the planet? OK, so my buddies and I might be thousands of times more responsible than the poorest people. What better way to level the playing field than making everyone disappear? Sure, there won’t be humans around to enjoy the rejuvenated Earth. But the biodiversity will expand, and that’s good for business! I guess it would help ecosystems and the vast majority of nature that was here before the Anthropocene, too.
So, you’re asking about the whole extinction argument? Hmmm, I regret mentioning that in my previous reasoning. If humans do go extinct, they . . . I mean we won’t all die at once. Those left will struggle to find food — a real opportunity to create further shareholder value. People will work even harder than they already do, all thanks to AI.
If AI is the finale, it will eliminate those annoying types, like Canadian musicians who don’t want their music fed into our appreciation machines, states that wish to eliminate our usage, and puny journalists who don’t want us to have funny memes they call “fake news.” Ugh — such party poopers!!
Look — let me be real for a second. If AI must end us, at least it will be with American technology. Can you imagine if China or Russia beat us to doomsday? Not only would we all be dead, but it would further contribute to the decline of American exceptionalism. Billions of people gone is one thing. The United States not dominating the world is even worse. I mean, a chance to end millions of lives and it’s not from us? That’s what we do best!
Please use our new product so that we can train it to serve me, I mean us — the overlords — I mean all of us. Otherwise, we could have a world just like 2012 where AI didn’t dominate every sphere of our lives. One where you don’t question if a video is real and you do your homework through research and original writing. What kind of a world would that be? Sounds boring!
If you want another version of this letter written in a more humanistic tone, please let me know — I’m here to help!
