By: Max Lorette, puts the “ho” in horoscopes

Aries:

Have you remembered to pack an umbrella in your backpack yet, Aries? Don’t forget you live in a temperate rainforest; the weather can change with a drop of a hat. Plus, we all know that you forgot to check the forecast before leaving the house today.

Taurus:

The Stars are warning you to stay clear of the top floor of the Bennett library this semester. There is a monster that lurks deep in the reference section that preys on naïve Tauruses much like yourself. Don’t say I didn’t caution you!

Gemini:

Stuff as many pens in your bag as you can this semester, Gemini. You never know when that one hot person in your lecture might need to borrow one. This could be the start of a beautiful new romance, my beautiful Gemini! Actually, while you’re at it, make sure that you pack plenty of gum as well. Can’t be too careful!

Cancer:

This semester, The Stars challenge you to reduce your coffee intake. No, seriously. Five cups in one day is really pushing it. The Stars are seriously concerned about you. Oh dear, it looks as though you’ve vibrated into an entirely different dimension — better luck next semester I suppose.

Leo:

With the final days of summer soon upon us, The Stars have told me to remind you that it’s important to appreciate the warmth and sun while you can. Pretty soon, much like your mental state, darkness will creep upon the land. Might as well work on your tan in the meantime.

Virgo:

Did you remember to buy all of your required textbooks? No seriously, did you remember to buy all of your required textbooks? Did you remember to buy all of your required textbooks???!!! Better check again before the bookstore is overrun with first years. Happy Virgo season!

Libra:

There is no better time for reinvention than the dawn of a new semester, my darling Libra! Why not get a new haircut? Why not put on a fake accent in your classes? That way, you can easily slip into witness protection when you need your next assignment extension.

Scorpio:

Dress to impress on your first day of classes! That way, when you inevitably run out of inspiration, hopefully, your fellow scholars will simply remember how sharp you looked back in September. I reckon they’ll even forget the Supernatural shirt you wore during finals week.

Sagittarius:

Sagittarius! This is your reminder to craft yourself a perfect playlist for the Fall season. Romanticize the absolute hell out of your otherwise dull and boring university experience. Real talk, sometimes it’s the little things that help you get through gruelling academia.

Capricorn:

Don’t forget to review your essay formats before you write your next paper, Capricorn. Nothing is more frustrating than trying to remember how to cite in APA after you’ve been conditioned to Chicago your entire academic career. Especially when you’re going to inevitably be trying to wrap up all your citations at 4:00 a.m. the day before your essay is due.

Aquarius:

Don’t forget to reward yourself after your accomplishments, Aquarius. It can be easy to get wrapped up in the next goal, but the Stars have told me that you’ll be less hard on yourself if you take the time to appreciate each feat. For example, the next time you do well on a test, why not get nipple piercings at Claire’s? What could possibly go wrong with that? (Note: they don’t actually pierce your nipples. Trust me, I’ve tried.)

Pisces:

This semester, the stars have advised you to pick up a new hobby to keep your spirits up. Fall term always feels pretty hard, but the right hobby can totally brighten your weeks up in between endless assignments! For example, my favourite thing to do in my spare time is your mom!