By: Mason Mattu, Humour Editor
It’s 8:10 a.m. — I just woke up literally an hour ago. I’m crinkling up the aluminum foil which once carried a beautiful peanut butter and jelly sandwich. As the West Coast Express train approaches the platform at Coquitlam Central Station, I feel the wind blow against my damp hair. The train comes to a stop and people gather around one of the many doors, waiting patiently for it to open.
I politely close my umbrella and shake off the rain, aiming the excess water onto the ground before the door opens. Eh, I get a dollop of rain on myself . . . but whatever. It’s just water. It’s all in the name of courtesy! As the door opens, the lady in front of me still has her umbrella open. As she enters the train, she shakes that umbrella up in the air and water gets all over my body. LADY. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?
We’re not talking about a dollop anymore. This is fucking Noah’s flood. I hear sounds akin to Sue’s dramatic tantrum music on Glee. This commuter doesn’t even look back at me or signal any sign of apology — she instead cuts off another person trying to walk to the upstairs of the train. I would normally say this is war, but I’m a good Canadian. Instead of squaring up, I write angry, subpar humour articles.
Listen, you cool cats and kittens. This is not a very posh thing to do. This is lowkey a crime against humanity. Never in a million years did I think I would have to write a fucking article on how to close your umbrella on public transit. What’s even sadder is that this now happens at least ONCE A WEEK on the West Coast Express. You business people sure do have nerve. I’ve simplified umbrella etiquette for all those who MIGHT need a little refresher.
STEP 1: ANGLE AND SHAKE
Point umbrella down. Yes, umbrella down. This isn’t a rave — no need to put your hands in the air like you really don’t care (about your fellow passengers). Good. Now, collapse umbrella. Shake umbrella toward ground. Not up! Not sideways! Not on the baby sitting in the stroller next to you (I think the child would drown) — DOWN! Good job!! You get a sticker!!
STEP 2: TIE YOUR UMBRELLA
Wrap strap around umbrella. Buckle it, button it, fasten it, whatever your umbrella prefers. Maybe shake again. Not up! Not sideways! Not on the old lady struggling to step up to the train! Good downtown business person!
That’s literally it. Two simple steps. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m not at all interested in getting soaking wet after making a visible effort to be dry by carrying my umbrella.
If the lady who did this to me knew she was in the wrong, then I hope both sides of her pillow are as warm as expired clam chowder tonight. For the rest of you, I hope you now see the fucking simple solution to this problem.