By: Max Lorette, Peak Associate and Local Mystic
Aries:
Has the stress of exams got you down, Aries? Do you feel stuck and exhausted? The stars have told me that you are overdue for a natural shower in the rain. Like Poet Laureate Natasha Bedingfield said, “Feel the rain on your skin, no one else can feel it for you.” Just make sure you wear a coat. Whatever you do, don’t blame me if you catch a cold.
Taurus:
Taurus, when your friends are asking how you’re doing, I promise that they genuinely wish to know. There’s no need to lie and tell them that you’re fine. Next time, instead of your cookie-cutter response, simply scream at the top of your lungs into the phone. That will certainly get the message across.
Gemini:
Gemini, how has your sleep schedule been lately? The stars have been worrying that you’ve been wearing yourself down too thin. While the best solution would be to get to bed early, we all know how highly unrealistic that notion is. Instead, try micro-dosing on sleep by just taking slower blinks. I’m no expert, but isn’t that just basically a mini nap?
Cancer:
Something (the stars) tells me you haven’t taken the time for a mental break in a while. Hit two birds with two stones and begin hydrating yourself to no end. I’m talking about getting one of those comically large bottles of water. You know the ones. Not only will you assist the proper function of your organs, but you can give your mind a quick rest while you stare off into space during your 5th pee-break of the day.
Leo:
Now, we both know that you hold a certain flair for the dramatics, so next time you feel a little bit too stressed out my best suggestion would be to fake your own death. Show up to your funeral in a clever disguise and watch on like the Petty Patty you are. Once you reveal yourself to be alive, I’m pretty sure that everyone will be so overjoyed that you won’t have to hand in that assignment you were dreading.
Virgo:
If things have felt too overwhelming lately, the stars have suggested putting on some rain sounds. They have advised you to imagine yourself as a tiny little frog on a lily pad. Things are always less stressful if you’re just a little slimy guy on a lily pad. Maybe try eating a fly or two while you’re at it!
Libra:
Have you felt out of balance lately? Have you been feeling generally off? The stars have informed me that you’ve been carrying your book bag on your right side for far too long. Switch that bag to the other shoulder and injure it too so it doesn’t feel left out.
Scorpio:
Next time you’re feeling low on energy, the stars advise that you appreciate the little things in life. Give a hug to your shortest friend. Buy some of those erasers shaped like little versions of food. Give a kiss to a bug. Research bacteria. Either way, it’ll take your mind off of the constant gears winding in your head.
Sagittarius:
Have you ever heard some WASP woman talking about how good yoga is physically and mentally? Well, I don’t know about you, but I’ve made it a habit to never listen to a Karen. Even if they possess a shred of truth, I advise you to do the complete opposite. Instead of yoga, try lying in bed for a few days. Soon, you and the mattress will become one.
Capricorn:
As much as I respect the hustle, the idea of working yourself to the bone simply isn’t sustainable, my dearest Capricorn. The stars and I are literally begging you to take a singular day off. Do not run any errands. Do not hang out with friends. Simply allow yourself to exist. Don’t try to weasel yourself out of this one, Capricorn! It’s called tough love for a reason.
Aquarius:
I think one time I read in a self-care article that keeping a journal is a useful tactic. Vent out all your feelings into the pages of your new moleskin! Reveal all your life’s secrets! Next, leave it out in the open so that I can steal-BORROW it. Don’t forget to add in your credit card number and your CVN.
Pisces:
When was the last time you went to the aquarium? Middle school? Elementary school? The stars have informed me that looking at some swimming little fishies is exactly what you need to calm down. Rejoin your brethren and take a big dunk into the tank with the fellow aquatic sea life. Or, maybe just get an overpriced hat from the gift shop. That works too.
