Written by Zach Siddiqui, Humour Editor

Aries — March 21–April 19

Your brain is quite compatible with rocket science. Just like a rocket, it doesn’t work unless you drink rocket fuel. Make this week the week to suffer responsibly for your academic art. 

Taurus — April 20–May 20

This week, walk out of the vehicle and then keep walking . . . just keep walking. Go missing in the woods beyond campus. Let beautiful missing persons posters of you circulate. Build a new life for yourself out of the stones and the grass. 

Gemini — May 21–June 20

You may feel inexplicably disoriented this week, like your body is not your own. Remind yourself every morning to confirm which timeline you’re in by Googling the spelling of “Berenstein Bears.”

Cancer — June 21–July 22

Save a life this week. Tell a sessional to get their thyroid checked.

Leo — July 23–August 22

You have many divine traits. Purifying the air where you walk is not one of them. Please remember to wear your deodorant this week — and every week thereafter.

Virgo — August 23–September 22

Be honest this week. When you introduce yourself to classmates, warn them from the outset that you are like an IKEA delivery cart: fragile, finicky, and prone to falling to pieces on a random Vancouver sidewalk.

Libra — September 23–October 22

Good news: conflict is in the cards for you this week. That means your socially avoidant tendencies will override your gambling dependencies and force you to put away your deck of playing cards. Your wallet thanks you.

Scorpio — October 23–November 21

Honestly? I have no clue what novel hell you have going on this week. But poisoning people is not the answer. Walk away, Penelope Blossom.

Sagittarius — November 22–December 21

This week, you don’t have any idea where you are. There’s just places and then more places, some of which let you sleep and others of which do not. Just snuggle with yourself until a sweet angel descends from SFU Security to shove you onto the midnight RapidBus, going anywhere.

Capricorn — December 22–January 19

It’s the last week of Capricorn season. And the last week before you start to incur late penalties on your tuition. Coincidence? Or more evidence that society would be so much better off if every day of the year was devoted to you?

Aquarius — January 20–February 18

You are a receptacle for a sacred presence this week. Your actions are morally perfect. But they also aren’t really yours — so be ready to drown in the despair of your impostor syndrome next week. 

Pisces — February 19–March 20

Don’t let anyone take advantage of your cute naiveté this week. And you can trust yourself enough to know that you really won’t. Just because you’re ignorant, doesn’t mean you’re stupid.